Another Defense

I promise I did not forget about blogging. Or keeping an idea journal for class. Just… I don’t know why I get myself tangled with so much stuff to do! It’s probably I say “yes” way too quickly, before I realize how much time commitment goes towards whatever I had just agreed to take on.

But missing two weeks of classes (specifically GSWS 431) made me feel I wasn’t part of class anymore. Even though I had watched the film I missed on my own, it was the discussion that came with the film that makes the collective viewing experience such an enjoyable one. I almost forgot that was part of the “politics” that Helen went over with us on the first day of classes.

The collective viewing experience can be crucial to a good class discussion/ response. And for me, it feels more rewarding and fun than watching a film alone. Arguably it is a completely different experience. (I fear a theatre-related live-performance aspect tangent coming up: it is the way that we watch something at the same time in the same place but whatever it is we’re looking at elicit such different responses in each individual that makes any performance/ viewing experience so “cool” – for a lack of a better word.)

I find that you get more absorbed in the emotions if you were to watch a film alone. You’re not aware of or distracted by other people’s reactions (what with your hyper-sensitive peripherals noticing people who are fidgeting), and you can really invest in the story and characters’ journey(s), which are hopefully more or less interesting. But whereas you have a great personal response to the film, you could lack in diversity. Without others’ inputs, you might get stuck seeing things from your own perspective. One-sided opinions as opposed to well-informed opinions, you could say.

Fandom

When my instructor suggested going to youtube and looking up video compilations of the couple-y characters we’ve been watching in class, I knew perfectly what she was talking about. I am no stranger to the youtube fandom videos. In fact, when I first discovered “The L Word”, I could only depend on the youtube compilations of the viewers’ favourite couples to catch a glimpse of the show because there was no way I could watch the episodes at home -where homosexuality is condemned- or school -where awkward encounters with friends will most likely happen.

youtube became a phenomenal source of compilation videos of prominent lesbian couples on television shows or in mainstream media, and they’ve all been given nicknames from combining parts of each of the couple’s individual names (which is obviously the trend in celebrity news/magazines). To name a few: Calzona (Callie and Arizona from Grey’s Anatomy), Tibette (Tina and Bette from The L Word), and Sharmen (Shane and Carmen from The L Word)… I’m sure there are plenty more. And I hope I’m not wrong when I say that these media representations of queer couples are characters who someone who identifies as queer look up to. These couples might be the only ones in the mainstream media who are  models for the younger generation. And my beef with that is these couples, being in the mainstream media, were mostly likely created by producers who are not queer to cater towards the heterosexual audience so that they think they have a fair representation of the queer community (bar The L Word, but that show has its own representational politics behind it).

I suppose some representation is better than none at all. Plus those people are pretty to look at. So it’s not all a loss… maybe?! Let’s just say they are my guilty pleasures. When I see queerness in mainstream media, I almost always dismiss it because I feel they are not “fair representation” regardless how much their stories can resonate with a queer person’s experience. They are a heterosexual committee’s idea of what queerness is.

Social Media Frenzy

I have recently just gone through the process of splitting my facebook account up into two. Reason being that I’m trying to be “out” on my primary account, and my secondary account would be the “conservative” one for family and church friends (there are many). It has now been about a week or so. And I’ve got to say, this ain’t easy! It would be easier if my brother and I had less mutual friends, or less extended family members on facebook… I might have just dug a bigger hole for myself and spun an unnecessarily tangled web of lie.

But I was going to address my name change, not how complicated I have made my life with a simple fb change (and all because this “closet” thing!). Basically, my new name came from my “new mother”. [caveat: I just realized that I can’t actually mention my name and what I’ve changed it to, because that would be identify who I am… though I’m pretty sure those who are reading knows anyway] A “new mother”? Yes. What I’ve noticed with my gay friends is that they have their biological family, and then they have their “gay family” comprised of their close friends. Now, I am not trying to catch a trend or anything by acquiring a “new mother”; no, it sort of just happened… all because of how you can declare relationships (including family/ relative ones) on facebook. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing and it was mostly a joke. But the name that came as a result was something I really liked and kept. It was a name created especially for me and for her to address me. There’s just something special about that! (I should mention that I’ve also acquired a drag name! Very exciting!)

Anyway, I forget what my point is in bringing this up… perhaps more reasons to come out of the closet and just amalgamate my poorly set-up facebook accounts? Or I’ve come one step closer to becoming a “normal” Western lesbian woman?

Policy 5.45

(post drafted in May and published on July 23rd, 2011; re-edited and re-blogged today)

Last night before I headed to bed, I went downstairs to say goodnight to mom and was caught by the TV program she was watching. It was a current events talk show in Mandarin where they featured 3 panellists to have a discussion about the Burnaby school board’s newest proposed policy 5.45.

This draft policy is to hopefully “change the attitude” towards the LGBTQ community in schools and support youth who identifies as queer (I guess they caught on the numbers of suicides due to hate crimes or bullying towards homosexuals and wanted to do something about it). Basically, if this policy passes, the school board will include a section in the elementary school curriculum where teachers are required by law to teach kids what each of L, G, B, T, and Q means.

I knew it was a dangerous thin line I was treading when I stayed and watched the whole debate with her. There I was, sitting less than 3 feet away from her and holding a very different opinion and view on gays than her own. In a Christian household, homosexuality is something that we should unanimously agree on: “wrong”. Little does she know that her precious little daughter is hiding in the closet. Well, sort of. It’s a little complicated. Regardless, the topic is incredibly sensitive. During the entire show I was desperately hoping she doesn’t ask what I think. She would nod and agree vocally with the host, panelist, and the audience calling-in to the show.

How do I tell her that I disagree with the majority of conservative Asian parents in her generation? How do I tell her that I play on the same team? She’s already mad enough as it is when she found out I voted NDP in the latest election that won Harper a majority government.

The next morning, after church service, I was reluctantly pushed to a table covered in petition forms against the policy. They had been printed by the church and signed by several dozens of people in the congregation. An Elder of the church watched over me and my brother’s shoulders, aggressively urging us to put our names down on the form. I stood there, feeling nothing but panic. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. As more urging came from behind me, I picked up a pen slowly. It was as if I was going to sign my life away. I stared at the paper and started to read the statements opposing the policy. I looked at my brother, and he seemed hesitant as much as I am reluctant. I lowered my pen at the lines in slow motion and waited desperately for something to take me away from the table.

I was lucky to have escaped the signing when my mom called for us. I immediately dropped the pen and pretended I had already signed the petition when I walked away. My brother followed. The Elder was hustling more people –who may or may not even have heard of the policy– to the table. I was relieved, but was the scolded by my mom when she found out that I didn’t actually sign the petition. I couldn’t! I wanted to shout. But I just kept quiet and walked in silence. Everything that happened made me despise the church more. If I didn’t before, I did now.

Eventually the policy was passed (though not before several protests against and rallies for it occurred). I had wanted to show my support by going out to the rallies, but the thought of my mom realizing I’m on the other side of the fence was too risky. I will have to continue my hiding… for now. The thing that saddens me the most is that church and home are the most suffocating places of all shelters. I can be who I want to be when I’m working on shows or involved in theatre. I can be who I am when I’m with my friends.

The theme at the Vancouver Pride this year is “Celebrate”. I wish I could…