Beach Talk

There are lots of really great conversations that happen at the guest house. Most are small talk, but some days you’ll end up having epic discussions on feminism, politics, representation of groups of minority in the media, social media and its effects on people, etc.

A friend asked the other morning, while I was writing a new entry for my blog during breakfast, why I blog. The answer was simple: writing is my creative outlet as well as a way for my brain to reorganize itself and refresh the thoughts the keep swirling around. But she scrutinized the fact that it’s published on the internet for people to read. Yes, I said, I’m aware of that; but that does not affect my writing. I don’t write for an intended audience, nor do I really censor myself when I write (arguably choosing what to write is already censoring in a way). I write for myself so that I can come back to it and rediscover what I was thinking during that particular time. It’s a record and collection of my emotional journey that I can look back on, if I desire to do so.

But you can write, say in a document, and not have it published on the ‘net. Hmm. Yes, I could do that. But it’s just not the same. I couldn’t pin-point exactly what the appeal of blogging is when I was questioned.  I told her that it’s always been how I’ve written. This box and this formatting. So it had become sort of a habit. It’s harder for me to write otherwise.

If no one really reads your blogs anyway (or you don’t know who is), why bother putting your thoughts out there for the public? So that it’s there for people to read it if they want? I don’t post a link to every single post I write, nor do I shamelessly promote it. But people do have access to my thoughts. I make them public in the hopes that people will understand me better because I communicate better with writing.

She still wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She couldn’t get past the fact that it’s PUBLISHED on the internet for everyone to read. But what’s so bad about that? There’s nothing wrong with sharing my life, or wanting to share my struggles and happiness so people can perhaps connect with them and know that they’re not alone in the world. There’s no possible way to know IF anyone is indeed engaging with the content I’m putting out there in a way that’s helpful to them, but do I need to know?

Yeah, but you can CONNECT with people in person, on a face-to-face level. Yes, and I do. I connect with people in person every day. But somehow it feels empty. I’m not the “express my feelings verbally” kind of person, so I seldom participate in a conversation unless I have something positive to contribute (I make a really good listener though!). I write to soothe my soul; to declutter my brain. Perhaps it is also to show how lonely I sometimes feel in this world. At the end of the day, if I need to unload some grey matter, I don’t know who I feel comfortable enough to call. My blog is like a silent audience. It will listen closely and be still for however long I intend to write. It’s unprejudiced, unbiased, neutral.

Now that I’ve had more time to think about the matter – about why my thoughts are published on the internet, I can only honestly say that it’s part of my artistic expression. What that means for me, is that to be an artist is to create and show people your work. Even though something as streamlined or conventional as blogging is, it’s still part of my identity and artistic practice. So it might not look like art (nor is it intended to be “art”), it’s a way of showing people my “work”. And everyone knows that to be a successful artist you’d have to put yourself out there and have people engage in your work.

To further expand on sharing my life with the interwebs, I’d like to quote a TED talk by writer Andrew Solomon,

If we live out loud, we can trance the hatred and expand everyone’s lives. Forge meaning, build identity. Forge meaning, build identity. And then invite the world to share your joy.

I don’t think I can provide a better explanation than that. Sure, he’s not talking specifically about blogging, but the idea of connecting with people and sharing your life with them is there.

Plan A/B

It’s been two days since I’ve arrived in Tofino. All is going well. I’ve been going on runs in the morning and finishing work around mid-afternoon, then going out of the house to see the amazing sights on the island.

I haven’t made any progress in terms of my writing. It’s on my to-do list but I never seem to get around to it. I think I am consciously putting it off because my head has been so pre-occupied with something else. So pre-occupied, in fact, that I think any effort in making what I want to work has been futile and too forced.

I feel like I am waiting for something big to happen all the time, but nothing is happening – there is no epiphany and nothing in my life has changed. I’ve only escaped my responsibilities and chores that were weighing me down in Vancouver and gone on an extended hiatus. I think I came here with too many expectations for myself that won’t be met. I need to fill my head with something else. Something completely different and encompassing so that I forget to focus on what’s been occupying my thoughts… but what?

FOUR YEARS!!!

HOLY SHIT GUYS, I’ve kept this blog for 4 years now!  WHAT!

At first it started out as a school project for my Women’s Studies class to talk about queer cinema. But now it has evolved into a queer-content dedicated blog (which is basically my life – because I am queer, therefore all parts of my life are queer). But man oh man, I did not realize that it has been that long since I started blogging here instead of my old blog (I still write there some times though). And to think – when I started writing here I wasn’t out to my family! Strange how things can happen in such a short amount of time.

All in all, I’ve been blogging since 2006: from Xanga to MSN space, then finally moving to and calling wordpress home for the last 7 years! Incredible, isn’t it? I am rather proud of myself right now.

an attempt at a comeback

It has been forever – really, so long now – since I’ve last written anything that starting again now seems almost surreal, or more regrettably, impossible. I’ve always found comfort in words, but for quite some time I’ve been so preoccupied with life; that life happened so fast and so quickly that I’m still trying to wrap my head around what has occurred made writing seem to take no precedence anymore. In fact, I have kind of been avoiding it because I hate half-hearted posts, and the drafts which I save and finish another time due to an interruption or lack of time to complete it won’t sound coherent or concise. Perhaps I am unconsciously putting off things I do not wish to reveal to the world; things that writing could potentially evoke and change my life, once again.

But here I am, braving it for another time around. I’ve excused each period of absence with the fact that “life happened”, yet it is the time when I should have been busy documenting my journey the most. So, here’s hoping that I have a chance to clear my head, spare a few hours a week, share my thoughts with the world and start my love affair with writing all over again.

Back on the grind

I had to check the date of my last post to see how long I’ve been absent from the world of blogging – a little over six months. There are drafts I’ve long forgotten about, but upon rereading the same sentiments return. There have also been lots of inspiration, anger, happiness, and joy – emotions to stir up a storm for my inner writer, and I’ve even entertained the idea of a NEW blog (yeah, that’ll make my count 3).

I just hope that next time I sit down to write won’t be another six months, and it will actually be something meaningful for you to read – I’ve got something else that’s more important to write today: a coming out letter to my mother.

Another Defense

I promise I did not forget about blogging. Or keeping an idea journal for class. Just… I don’t know why I get myself tangled with so much stuff to do! It’s probably I say “yes” way too quickly, before I realize how much time commitment goes towards whatever I had just agreed to take on.

But missing two weeks of classes (specifically GSWS 431) made me feel I wasn’t part of class anymore. Even though I had watched the film I missed on my own, it was the discussion that came with the film that makes the collective viewing experience such an enjoyable one. I almost forgot that was part of the “politics” that Helen went over with us on the first day of classes.

The collective viewing experience can be crucial to a good class discussion/ response. And for me, it feels more rewarding and fun than watching a film alone. Arguably it is a completely different experience. (I fear a theatre-related live-performance aspect tangent coming up: it is the way that we watch something at the same time in the same place but whatever it is we’re looking at elicit such different responses in each individual that makes any performance/ viewing experience so “cool” – for a lack of a better word.)

I find that you get more absorbed in the emotions if you were to watch a film alone. You’re not aware of or distracted by other people’s reactions (what with your hyper-sensitive peripherals noticing people who are fidgeting), and you can really invest in the story and characters’ journey(s), which are hopefully more or less interesting. But whereas you have a great personal response to the film, you could lack in diversity. Without others’ inputs, you might get stuck seeing things from your own perspective. One-sided opinions as opposed to well-informed opinions, you could say.