The Loneliest Time

The Vancouver streets lit up with the colours red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, purple, and every shade in between this past weekend during the pride celebrations and events. Needless to say, it’s one of my most treasured weekends of the year every year. And I would like to sum it up with more than just this word: exhausting.

I went to my first Pride Parade exactly five years ago, in 2010. I was just coming out then – a wee baby dyke, you could say, and I felt like my experience* was more freeing than a prisoner released from confinement after serving a 10 year sentence. It was mind-blowingly liberating even though I navigated the entire event by myself. I didn’t want to go home afterwards!

Now, fast forward five years: pride has become an annual event in my life. I look forward to it every summer. The mere thought of being able to deck myself out in rainbows without getting strange looks from people is exciting enough to celebrate, let alone being able to be who you are without giving a fuck.

I have been volunteering as the ASM for both the Davie St Block Party and the main stage at the pride sunset festival for the past two prides. It is one way I could get involved with the community, but it’s also a way I could get myself to participate in this annual celebration. Otherwise I honestly don’t know if I’d have enough courage and energy to go by myself. Yes, it’s been five years since I’ve come out; yes, I have queer friends or friends that identify as LGBTQ; yes, I have friends who are allies; and yes, I have friends who will gladly bear the rainbow at any given time of the year. But for the life of me, I have no friends when it comes to pride season.

Okay, there may be a couple of friends that I’ll see over the weekend or say hi to when they’re enjoying the festivities, but for the most part, a lot of my friends choose not to participate in what has now turned into one big gay propaganda (so to speak). A lot of people think pride is one big political debate and gimmick. Nothing’s without its bureaucracies, right? One friend posted on facebook the night before festivities began: “and the social pressure weekend begins”.

I never understood why it’s such a stressful weekend for the very people this celebration is for. I’ve always had a blast because not only do I see how unique people are, it’s the one time of the year where I feel the world is colourful and alive. The population is suddenly so diverse and interesting that you kind of get lost in the world you’re in. Not that the city isn’t already so on a regular basis – pride adds glitter and helps make everyone shine! It lets you see the diversity in everyone beyond skin colours and orientation (or at least that’s the feeling I get).

Perhaps there are deeper incoherencies within the organization and its event, and politics between groups of individuals that make other people feel very differently about pride. Maybe I’m glorifying the event. Maybe I’m exaggerating how it affects me personally. But I know it is still an important event, and it would be nice, for once, if everyone could forget or look beyond the political agenda and just celebrate.

*password: purple

I Follow Rivers

Have you seen Blue is the Warmest Colour? That lesbian movie that came out last year with a bit of controversy regarding its lengthy and graphic sex scenes? If you haven’t, you should. (Obviously NOT for the graphic sex scenes… though that’s always a bonus!)

What struck me most from the movie is when Adele dances to Lykke Li’s I Follow Rivers (probably the Magician remix version though). I never thought a simple dance scene could convey so much! It was probably the most brilliant use of a scene I have ever realized/ come across so far, mostly because I didn’t realize before how freeing an experience dance is until I’ve starting going out to dance.

See, I love dancing. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it. I’m not sure why I love it so much… it’s just another way I could express myself, I suppose. So when that scene came up in the movie, I couldn’t help but be bewildered by her freedom of expression and how, through dance, we can see Adele gain a sense of “self”. In that moment she “comes to” and embraces who she is. She finally lets go of everything and accepts the reality she’s in – kind of like the first time I went to pride by myself.

It was the summer of 2010, and I had just started to take my interest in girls seriously. For the first time in my life I started to consider the possibility that I would like to have relationships with women instead of men. I was extremely conflicted, having come from a religious background. I questioned my faith, I questioned my self; and I questioned my belief in my faith. Who I wanted to be and who I should be according to the words of Jesus Christ was doing a number on my brain. I didn’t know how to live both lives because they didn’t fit together.

That August came and I was determined to go to pride. I made up an excuse so I could stay at a friend’s during the whole festivity. It was the single most exhilarating and freeing experience I have ever had in the 26 years I’ve lived. I didn’t want to go home at the end of the day, and I certainly didn’t want the high to end. That was the day I vowed to be free: I wished I could live my life the way I wanted to, without having to hide my desires for women and who I am.

So I did. I, of course, not unlike some closet-dwellers, had to come to terms with certain things (mostly religious and family-related) before I could accept myself, but I’ve never felt better or more confident in myself because of who I am and who I’ve become since Vancouver Pride 2010.

Embrace your freedom, people!