Recent Uprising of Events

Okay, it’s not so much a “turn” of events as a little ripple that could qualify as a potential wave…

The other day mom confronted me at lunch. She asked about my visiting “friend”, then sneakily squeezed in the topic of LGBT and our orientation. She caught me off guard, and I wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation, throughout which my heart felt like it had jumped out of my chest and been served as a dish on the table.

My face probably turned white as she asked if my girlfriend seemed ‘strange’ or ‘weird’ to me (I knew what she meant). I pulled myself together and quickly said, “no”, hoping that she’d drop the sudden accusation. But she kept going: “How about you? Are you…?”

“No!” (I wasn’t ready for the consequences if I had said yes – I panicked!) The conversation went on: she asked if I supported gay rights.

“Of course!” I said. And she frowned. “A lot of my friends are gay!” as if that was my only justification for it… “I work in theatre and film; there’s a lot of queer people in my field,” I tried to explain to her how important making connection are in the industry. She said, “But you should stick to you beliefs. They’re ‘wrong’ and you should stay away from the people that can influence you in a bad way. You should live your life according to the Bible. The Bible says homosexuality is wrong, and you should stay away from that.”

Out of my desperation, I used Obama as an argument: “Obama’s a Christian who supports gay rights!” And you know what her comeback was? “That’s why the world is so messed up right now!”

I didn’t know what to say to her. At this point I thought it was better to keep silent so I can get out of there asap. But I wanted to scream “well if you support Obama, you support him supporting gay rights!!!” (because she IS an Obama supporter).

In the end, there’s no easy way to tell my mom that, 1) I could care less about what the Bible says, let alone live a life that’s pleasing to God, 2) I don’t want to go to church, 3) I like girls , 4) I have a girlfriend; and 5) I am sexually active. I think she’s going to have a heart attack.

All this pressure to suddenly come clean to my mom has just dawned on me with the anticipation of my girlfriend’s month-long visit in 5 days. I feel so hopeless and helpless… at least in less than a week’s time, my babei will be in my arms…

Policy 5.45

(post drafted in May and published on July 23rd, 2011; re-edited and re-blogged today)

Last night before I headed to bed, I went downstairs to say goodnight to mom and was caught by the TV program she was watching. It was a current events talk show in Mandarin where they featured 3 panellists to have a discussion about the Burnaby school board’s newest proposed policy 5.45.

This draft policy is to hopefully “change the attitude” towards the LGBTQ community in schools and support youth who identifies as queer (I guess they caught on the numbers of suicides due to hate crimes or bullying towards homosexuals and wanted to do something about it). Basically, if this policy passes, the school board will include a section in the elementary school curriculum where teachers are required by law to teach kids what each of L, G, B, T, and Q means.

I knew it was a dangerous thin line I was treading when I stayed and watched the whole debate with her. There I was, sitting less than 3 feet away from her and holding a very different opinion and view on gays than her own. In a Christian household, homosexuality is something that we should unanimously agree on: “wrong”. Little does she know that her precious little daughter is hiding in the closet. Well, sort of. It’s a little complicated. Regardless, the topic is incredibly sensitive. During the entire show I was desperately hoping she doesn’t ask what I think. She would nod and agree vocally with the host, panelist, and the audience calling-in to the show.

How do I tell her that I disagree with the majority of conservative Asian parents in her generation? How do I tell her that I play on the same team? She’s already mad enough as it is when she found out I voted NDP in the latest election that won Harper a majority government.

The next morning, after church service, I was reluctantly pushed to a table covered in petition forms against the policy. They had been printed by the church and signed by several dozens of people in the congregation. An Elder of the church watched over me and my brother’s shoulders, aggressively urging us to put our names down on the form. I stood there, feeling nothing but panic. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. As more urging came from behind me, I picked up a pen slowly. It was as if I was going to sign my life away. I stared at the paper and started to read the statements opposing the policy. I looked at my brother, and he seemed hesitant as much as I am reluctant. I lowered my pen at the lines in slow motion and waited desperately for something to take me away from the table.

I was lucky to have escaped the signing when my mom called for us. I immediately dropped the pen and pretended I had already signed the petition when I walked away. My brother followed. The Elder was hustling more people –who may or may not even have heard of the policy– to the table. I was relieved, but was the scolded by my mom when she found out that I didn’t actually sign the petition. I couldn’t! I wanted to shout. But I just kept quiet and walked in silence. Everything that happened made me despise the church more. If I didn’t before, I did now.

Eventually the policy was passed (though not before several protests against and rallies for it occurred). I had wanted to show my support by going out to the rallies, but the thought of my mom realizing I’m on the other side of the fence was too risky. I will have to continue my hiding… for now. The thing that saddens me the most is that church and home are the most suffocating places of all shelters. I can be who I want to be when I’m working on shows or involved in theatre. I can be who I am when I’m with my friends.

The theme at the Vancouver Pride this year is “Celebrate”. I wish I could…