I left

It was around this time last year that I finally decided to put my foot down and leave. I left my spouse of a year and a half, our marriage, and the happiness we once had. I left.

There were red flags all along the way, but I finally realized that things weren’t going to get better. I remember very vividly the day my ex-wife said to me during an argument we were having in the bedroom that she can’t be helped. There’s been too many years of trauma in her life that she didn’t think anyone or thing could help her, and that’s that. She had decided that she wasn’t going to get help because she didn’t think it was even worth a shot to try get a piece of her sanity back. I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and looked at her disappointedly.

My heart sank. It was the final pull for me to painfully remove myself from her life, however slow the process was going to be. I can’t help anyone if they don’t want to be helped. If I tried I’d be wasting my breath, time, and energy. So I gave up. Or at least I tried to stop helping her. I still do, in one way or another, because I am still legally bound to her and in court she’s still my responsibility – but now, after a year, I’m done playing the good ex-wife. It’s time to really call it quits; I just need to remind myself why I left.

Interview

I went to a job interview today and answered all the questions fairly confidently until the curveball hit: “Why do you get up every morning? What motivates you to get up?”

I froze. I had no idea. My alarm! That was the obvious and humourous answer, but what motivates me? I wanted to say, “all the things that I’ve written down in my calendar and following my schedules!” But that seemed mundane, boring, lacked creativity, and worse of all, purpose. Why do I get up every morning? To what do I wake up and make me face the day?

“My wife. Waking up next to my beautiful wife, sharing and exploring the rest of my life with her” would have been the most appropriate answer had we not separated eight months ago.

The question stuck with me for the rest of the day, and I kept pondering and searching for an answer. Ultimately, I wish “my wife” could have been my answer. There’s just something magical in waking up next to someone you love that makes it one of the best things in the world. I know for sure it was definitely one of the many joys of being married.

But what now? Now that my wife and I have separated, why do I even get up every morning? Is it for the smiles of everyone I will meet during my day? Or to make sure everyone I love is OK? Perhaps that I just get up. I don’t think about why or how; I just do it and go about my every day business! I still don’t have a definitive answer, but it is definitely better than, “seeing beautiful people and making connections in the world” (which is what I ended up saying in the interview)…

Purgatory

There’s suddenly an urge to purge tonight. Emotions have been running high recently because I am finally moving my stuff out of the apartment I used to share with my wife, which means that our separation is really setting in.

Part of me is upset with myself because I’d let her stay at the apartment for which I am paying rent while simultaneously paying rent for the place that I am moving into with my best friend. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea in the first place, or that I was going to be okay with her staying there. Now, when it came time to pack my stuff and upheave myself from the place I love to live in a basement – I suddenly felt all the unfairness in the world. Granted, I brought this on myself. I could have just as easily asked her to move, then I wouldn’t be the one having to scramble or spend more money getting new furniture, kitchen ware, everyday supplies, etc. But I wanted to be the bigger person and let her stay in the cozy and comfortable abode. Besides, I would hate to displace her again, after having uprooted her from her country halfway across the world.

In any case I only have myself to blame. I just need to look on the bright side – at least I am moving in with my bestie! And I get to have my own space again…

The other part of me is upset because I still love my wife. A lot; more than she can imagine… and contrary to what she believes, I really really miss her and wish that I could be with her. But she is not the person I fell in love with anymore, and that makes me intensely sad. I just wish that she can find her path and lead a happy, healthy life – with or without me as a friend (because, truth to be told, I know it’s easier said than done). I also hope that I will be able to stop crying at a stupid “free hugs” video or the smallest romance break-up in a story line on TV or movies. I really can’t take this breaking-down-in-the-middle-of-nowhere business anymore, especially not when there’s no one I could think of to call or chat with at a time like this.