go ahead, tell me

can you tell by looking in my eyes that I’m not happy?
can you tell the life I have newly built with my wife recently fell apart?
can you tell I have more sadness in my life? Or less than before?
can you tell that even though I’m surrounded by friends I feel alone?
can you tell my heart’s been broken, then frozen over?
can you tell I am like a stone; motionless, helpless and cold?
can you tell I have been holding back my feelings?
can you tell I say cruel things just to push her away from me?
can you tell there’s heartache and pain behind my smile and shrug?

can you tell I am using my head to reason much more than my heart to feel?
can you tell ignoring my heart doesn’t mean it’s not aching?
can you tell the sadness I feel is not from wishing we could start over again but from where did we go wrong?
can you tell even though I seem strong I actually really need someone to lean on?
can you tell that with all the support I have and can get, I am still falling?

can you tell my life is now a mess?
can you tell that I am going to be okay?

can you tell that with all the sadness weighing me down, I still love my wife to the moon and back?

days before the new year

I have moved temporarily back home for a week now, and things don’t look like they’re going to get any better. I haven’t had the desire to do anything productive; I’ve been sleeping for 10 to 12 hours every day, and most of all I’m just annoyed, frustrated and upset that I don’t want to do anything. There is just a general annoyance with every day things, chores, and responsibilities that I have accumulated. I am so lazy and unmotivated to do anything!!! I sit in front of the computer all day, browsing and not being productive with my life. It’s in the slumps and I don’t know how to get out of it!

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B-III

Dear Babeii,

Some things are easier left unsaid. Like the stuff I’ve been saying to you more recently – you think I am intentionally being rude or saying things to hurt you, but in reality I am just telling you the truth of how I feel about you and what I think of you.

There are definitely positives, too, but the negatives always always sting more and prove more prevalent in memories.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh or heartless. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, and I just want to remind you that I still care for you immensely…

B-II

Dear Babeii,

I don’t even know how to begin writing this because, you see, I thought we’d never come to this. I wish we can be together and that our future will work out the way we have envisioned, but nothing ever really goes according to plan, right?

I am sorry for the pain I have caused you – I wish I could take everything back, I do, because I know my attitude and frustration got the best of me. Like always, all I wanted was to get back at you but I got carried away.

Contrary to what you believe, I did not fall in love with someone else nor do I wish to be in a relationship with her. She did, however, offer me a glimpse of what an ideal relationship would look like, and that was what attracted me the most: freedom, independence, privacy, and stability (all of the things that were not present in our relationship).

When I’m with you I feel suffocated. I didn’t let myself do much of anything I wanted or liked because you’d either be jealous or paranoid -even something as small as talking to a friend- so as to save myself a quarrel, misunderstanding, or the trouble of having to explain anything. But I suppose that’s my own doing… It’s hard to tell you there is no need to follow me to work without you taking it the wrong way. Or simply the fact that there is no way for me to get a little breather when I am angry makes me feel like I am trapped.

It’s unbearable to see you so sad, but I really think that being apart is best for us. I finally see that we are on different paths in our lives.

I don’t think we can be healthy if one or both of us are struggling with our own personal issues. Sure, there are people who stick by each other and support or encourage unconditionally, but presently I feel like I am drowning. I’ve devoted much of my time and energy into helping you (or at least what I think is helpful for you), and I need to spend some time getting myself back again. I need to get back into being the creative and artsy person that I think I was, and I definitely need to keep writing.

I really hope you find yourself and your way out of your own mess.

Love,

Babeii