Queer Friendships

There is a creative group project in my women’s studies class. My group ended up making a documentary-type video titled “Intimate Friendships”. I was the video guru, the other three were the powerhouses behind the ideas and questions, and the interviewees were the brave participants that lent us an insight into their mind. I’d say it was quite a successful video. Successful in that we learned as much from the process as the video is informative for those who watch it. Not only have I learned about other people’s take on asexuality and queerness in friendships, I’ve discovered my own opinions about those subjects.

At first when we first started brainstorming questions for the interviews, I couldn’t think of anything. Or answer any of the questions my group-mates came up with. I have never thought about those issues before… and I was curious what my answers were going to be. So I pondered:

Have you had any meaningful yet non-sexual relationships in your life?

Yes! All of my meaningful relationships in my life are not sexual! Friendships are very important and I value them a lot. I have friends who make me want to be a better person, and those friends are extremely close to my heart because I adore and admire them for who they are.

Have you ever had to defend your non-sexual relationship?

No. It’s funny, actually, that my friend and I were mistaken to be a couple one time we went shopping (at TNA, no less!). The salesperson asked when I went to get another size for my friend to try on in the dressing room, “are you looking for a size for your girlfriend?”. What she said hadn’t registered in my head so I just said, “yes”. As soon as I had, I realized what she had meant by “girlfriend”. It was an amusing and funny incident, because my friend is not in the slightest anything other than straight. But I didn’t see the need to correct the salesperson. She didn’t know me or my friend, and she probably wouldn’t even have cared if we weren’t together. Had I corrected her afterwards, the situation would become awkward.

But to go back to the question… quite the opposite! Sometimes I would WANT someone to think that I am dating a friend when I’m out with them. Sometimes I love my friend(s) so much that if we were mistaken to be a couple, I would feel happy and flattered that I’m girlfriend material! (This might be a weird “being single my whole life” effect though…)

Can you have a romantic relationship that is not sexual?

This is the question that I wrote down after our brainstorming session. (And it made the cut into the interview videos!) This was such a surprising concept to me that I was taken aback because at first I wasn’t sure I -or anyone, for that matter- could. The idea that you can’t have romance without sex is so present in our culture that it’s hard to think otherwise, especially when you’re acutely aware of your sexually active friends – we talk about it, joke about it; it’s a socially understood phenomenon… there is no escaping it! Upon second thought, I realized that romance and sex are NOT dependent on one another. Sure, you could argue that they are since sex is the actualization of a physical connection that you [could] pursue when you’re in love. But you can BE in love without having had sex, correct? So why can’t you have a romantic relationship that is not sexual? I mean, you don’t sleep with every person you date, do you? (Okay, maybe some of you do). But romance =/= sex!

Have you ever had a crush on someone you are not sexually interested in?

When I really think about it, maybe half of the crushes I have are not sexual. They’re more “friendship crushes” or “academic crushes” (to use the term from one of the interviewees). They are people who I admire so much that I want to be their friends and become part of their life, and I will not stop pursuing this until it happens. This might not necessarily be a romantic connection, you see, but rather an intellectual one.

Story time: I remember in my first year in theatre, there were these two theatre performance students who are best friends, and their boyfriends are best friends. So they always traveled in either two’s or four’s, and they were very attractive (thinking back on it now, it was probably the friendship and relationships the four of them had with each other that were exciting to me). So I would ‘stalk’ them (thank you facebook) and whenever I see them on campus -it helped that they lived in residence- I would shadow them to see what they’re like. For a short period of time they were the unstoppable duo in ensemble… then in my fourth year, I finally had the chance to work with them! And from there, we became good friends and even made a film together!

So yeah, there are people whose soul would catch my eye once in a blue moon, and when I’m hooked, I’m hooked!!!

I am very proud of this group project. It is probably the most work I’ve put in into any kind of group project, and undoubtedly one of the few  that I learned the most from (about myself and others). I have to thank my group members for helping me go on this road of discovery. It has been a delightful treat!

If I were a boy

This song came on the radio, and it led me to think about all the different possibilities and chances I’d get if I was a boy. My life would change drastically. For the better? For the worse? Who knows, maybe it would be just as sad. But if I was a boy, mom wouldn’t get on my case about being too masculine. I would work out and show off my muscles proudly without feeling my arms are too fat.  I could stay out late without having my mom worry too much about me. I would learn how to skate and go to a skate park to hang out with the ska8erbois. I would participate in organized sports, and perhaps even think about a professional career in football.

If I was a boy, I wouldn’t need to worry about what to wear to formal events (ie weddings, business meetings, interviews) because the only option is a suit! It would be much easier to shop for clothes, and there would be more varieties of shoes to choose from. I could wear t-shirts and jeans all year long without having people question my sex. I could take woodworking classes and choose engineering as a major without being the odd one out. I would bond with the guys over a couple bottles of beer. I wouldn’t have to wear make-up at important events when I have to look nice.  I could get myself dirty playing on a day out. I would take roadtrips with the gang and drive for long hours on the road.

If I was a boy, I would totally ask you out and ask you to be my girlfriend. We could be together with our family & friends’ approval and blessing.  You would be the love of my life, and we would, nodoubtedly, get married when the time is right. We would start building a family and lead a normal and happy life together.

If only it was easier said than done…

(this doesn’t necessarily mean I would want to be a boy; no. I enjoy being in a girl’s body, and I like how I can pull off androgynous and girlie-girl with my body. I really love surprising people when I do dress up! I am merely asking for the freedom (once again) of gender expression without soliciting criticisms or get asked a whole bunch of questions)

Saving Face

In our paper topic roundtable, a classmate mentioned the movie Saving Face, directed by Alice Wu, an Asian-American filmmaker. The title stood out because it’s quite a literal translation from a notion that I’m sure anyone who’s had any run-in with Asian culture is aware of. I immediately became interested in seeing the film and hoped that I could catch it somewhere online.

Saving Face promo shot

So I did. And it was very enjoyable. Hilarious, witty, and checks off all the right boxes for qualifying it as a Hollywood film. I didn’t expect to literally laugh-out-loud when I was watching the film. The music was light-hearted and well placed, which complemented the film’s overall mood. The actresses were delightful. Love story may be typical (with its fairy-tale ending), but it is made unique due to its cultural context. But the film only touches on issues on the surface level. It does not delve into any deep discussion of one particular problem. So this is great if you just want to pop in a movie that doesn’t require brainwork.

I would definitely see this film again – for guilty pleasure, of course!

Loneliness

Sometimes I wish I lived by myself. This whole “closet” thing would be much easier, and I wouldn’t have to lie constantly to my family. Also I wished that I could come home from a tiring day at work, kick off my shoes, heat up left-overs and pop in an episode of The L-Word or a LGBTQ-themed TV show or a movie. I wouldn’t have to look over my shoulders and worry about if the content is appropriate for a homophobic household. I might also have friends over – friends who I can be intimate with. Instead of loneliness and alienation, cuddles, hugs and kisses on the couch sounds amazing to come home to.

I didn’t realize being in the closet could be this lonely. It’s a brand new kind of lonely that I’m not used to… and no, I’m not just being emo…

Steps to the Outside

I can’t recall the first time I’ve ever came out to a friend… I don’t think there was one specific instance where I remember being nervous about telling someone my orientation. And I think I know why.

My story of how I came to realize I am not straight is fairly unique in that it didn’t follow a simple question-epiphany-realization formula (not saying everyone’s was like that). It was more like a questioning-counselling-fall for a girl-more confusion kind of roller-coaster. Yeah, there’s actually “love” in the mix; how exciting!

Having been single all my life helped a great deal, too. Because I wasn’t verbally explicit about being infatuated with guys, I was able to conceal my desires towards women. Somehow the fact that I never had a boyfriend solidify the fact that you shouldn’t rule out homosexuality as a possibility as to why I’ve never been in a relationship, or automatically assume that I’m straight.

So since my sexual orientation wasn’t outwardly-expressed, it became more of an internal struggle; a struggle to come to terms with my desires and affection for women, and a struggle to accept this “new” me. Life has been pretty good after rediscovering who I am, and I’ve taken steps to avoid hiding my intentions from those around me (particularly friends)… hopefully these little steps out of the closet will mean that one day I can finally be “free”!

Reason(s) Why I’m Still In the Closet

I think there’s only ONE reason why I’m still in the closet (from my family, that is; I’m out to most of my friends – or the ones who are close, anyway).

I’m afraid of how they’ll react… especially my mom. She’s a traditional Chinese woman who’s also a Christian. What that means is

1) the cultural gender-binary construct isn’t a societal conformity. It is FACT. There’s no question about it. Anyone who falls in between black or white is questionable, and anyone questionable is “not right”. Girls should dress like girls – in pink/bright colours, pretty clothes and should care about the way they present themselves. Mom always warns me about displaying excessive masculinity. I shouldn’t be lifting heavy stuff, I shouldn’t dress like a boy, and I should leave “guy tasks” to guys. Every time she mentions this girl/boy stereotype bullshit I just want to yell, “WAAAAKE UUUUUUUP!!! We live in the 21st century, open your eyes to what’s happening in the world and start thinking progressively!”

But she’s traditional. And fairly strict. And changing her preconceived notions about gender isn’t gonna happen overnight.

2) Christians think queer folks are “wrong”. Sure, God loves everyone, but the Bible condemns the gays? Whenever she sees people who play on the same sex team, she’ll shake her head and say, “what are they thinking?” or something to the effect of, “I don’t understand, why are they not like the normal kids?” At that point I could only look away and grumble quietly to sound like I am concurring her statements. She dislikes gays with a passion. I’d say she’s almost homophobic the way she despises everything about them…

So yeah, I’m still hiding in the closet from my family because I don’t know how they’re going to accept my identity as a queer person. And frankly, I don’t know if they will. I do know that it will cause a lot of stress on my mom (gosh, I wonder what the people at church will say to her) and mostly I know that it’ll break her heart if I told her I much prefer women as partners with whom I can build a life than men. I just don’t have the heart to see her heart broken… again. (First time being my dad’s passing).

The Notion of Freedom

I had a really great conversation with a really good friend tonight. She is someone who’s had a fair share of life experience and someone who I could go to for advice, comfort, and would know all the right things to say (or at least the things I didn’t want to hear but needed to- most of the time). I love her dearly and her opinion is of considerable value to me.

I’ve also heard that she’s got an incredibly sharp gay-dar. When I didn’t explicitly come out to her in person, I’m sure she already knew which way I bent. For me, things were easy around her. I could be who I am without a care because I know she’s very accepting and open-minded. So as a bizarre way of confirming with myself who I am (that and also I would still question myself my own orientation), I asked her if I am gay. I thought if her gay-dar is that accurate, it might know me better than I know myself. Yeah, silly, right? I know. It turned out to be a great discussion about labels, how I see myself, and who I don’t have to be. I can be who I want to be, and if I don’t want to talk about my orientation, I don’t have to!

But I guess that’s a romanticized idea of freedom of expression. I’m not sure if there is a way of not addressing the topic when I’d like to talk about women in public (written or conversational), share about my dating/ unrequited love woes, or watch lesbian-themed videos on youtube without looking over my shoulders. And that freedom is especially absent at home. You don’t realize how important  freedom is until you don’t have it, and how liberating being free is until you are being suffocated.

Same can be applied to coming out. Freedom is when you’ve come out to your friends, family, and those who are important in your life. I came across a fellow closet blog today (I wish I knew how I can find more closets in the blogging world), and what a coincidence it was to see her URL being “freedom denied”.

[wait, writing up to this point has made me realize how ridiculous it is to have to “come out” to the world! It’s almost like talking to people about your religious beliefs… there are many options and many different practices; what you believe in, what you choose to practice, and how you express your beliefs are all up to you! Then again, growing up in a predominately heterosexual world, being “different” has a whole new meaning.]

Freedom is such a strange entity, such a mystery, and such an overrated feeling. I strongly suggest you check out “The Isle of Flowers” (it’s on youtube with English subs). This short film will slap you in the face with your own pre-conceived notions of freedom!

As Straight as a Wheel

One day in the computer lab, my friend said hi and came to sit beside me. We were making small talk when, all of a sudden, he turned to me and asked, “are you a lesbian?” I stuttered. I was dumbfounded at his straight-forward question. (He was also the person who asked Jack* if he was my boyfriend when I had this hope of us being something, and created this awkward tension until Jack and I had “the talk” later that night – turned out Jack valued our friendship too much to be anything more than friends with me. Anyway, this example was to illustrate how on-the-nose, or wrongly-timed sensitive questions this friend can have.)

I didn’t know how to answer the question. “Uh….” was all I could fathom. He could tell that he’s touched a sensitive subject, and I’m at a loss for a clear answer. “Mmm… sure, if that’s what you think,” I said some time later, as he was waiting patiently. “I don’t like labels, so I wouldn’t call it that,” I gave him an explanation, hoping he would understand. “Oh, okay, I see.” He turned back to his screen and said nothing else.

I went back to my work and pondered about my answer. I don’t know why I’ve been having such a hard time admitting who I am to other people. Coming out of the closet isn’t an easy process, I know. But I can’t even admit to myself that yes, if I like women, that technically makes me a lesbian (in the general public’s eyes). So if I’m having a hard time admitting to myself who I am, am I still who I think I am? Perhaps I don’t like labels. I’m not comfortable when someone tries to categorize me with the terms bisexual or lesbian. I would even have a hard time saying the word “lesbian” to my friends when I go out dancing at special events hosted and catered towards lesbians in the lower mainland during long weekends. Coming from a Christian background, there’s still some sort of shame that accompanies the term “lesbian” or “gay” -basically anything other than “straight” was taboo or incomprehensible, and they were words to be avoided and issues to be kept silent about if you don’t want a controversy at your hands.

I know, however, that I am definitely NOT straight. It’s okay when they assume or keep their notion of my orientation to themselves, but when they ask, I really don’t know what to say. I much prefer the term “queer”, mostly because it’s very broad and general. It doesn’t limit me to just either or options… and it kind of makes me sound eccentric. Hah. I like being eccentric!

*names have been changed to protect the individual’s identity