I Follow Rivers

Have you seen Blue is the Warmest Colour? That lesbian movie that came out last year with a bit of controversy regarding its lengthy and graphic sex scenes? If you haven’t, you should. (Obviously NOT for the graphic sex scenes… though that’s always a bonus!)

What struck me most from the movie is when Adele dances to Lykke Li’s I Follow Rivers (probably the Magician remix version though). I never thought a simple dance scene could convey so much! It was probably the most brilliant use of a scene I have ever realized/ come across so far, mostly because I didn’t realize before how freeing an experience dance is until I’ve starting going out to dance.

See, I love dancing. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it. I’m not sure why I love it so much… it’s just another way I could express myself, I suppose. So when that scene came up in the movie, I couldn’t help but be bewildered by her freedom of expression and how, through dance, we can see Adele gain a sense of “self”. In that moment she “comes to” and embraces who she is. She finally lets go of everything and accepts the reality she’s in – kind of like the first time I went to pride by myself.

It was the summer of 2010, and I had just started to take my interest in girls seriously. For the first time in my life I started to consider the possibility that I would like to have relationships with women instead of men. I was extremely conflicted, having come from a religious background. I questioned my faith, I questioned my self; and I questioned my belief in my faith. Who I wanted to be and who I should be according to the words of Jesus Christ was doing a number on my brain. I didn’t know how to live both lives because they didn’t fit together.

That August came and I was determined to go to pride. I made up an excuse so I could stay at a friend’s during the whole festivity. It was the single most exhilarating and freeing experience I have ever had in the 26 years I’ve lived. I didn’t want to go home at the end of the day, and I certainly didn’t want the high to end. That was the day I vowed to be free: I wished I could live my life the way I wanted to, without having to hide my desires for women and who I am.

So I did. I, of course, not unlike some closet-dwellers, had to come to terms with certain things (mostly religious and family-related) before I could accept myself, but I’ve never felt better or more confident in myself because of who I am and who I’ve become since Vancouver Pride 2010.

Embrace your freedom, people!

Mommy Dearest

I just picked my mom up from the airport earlier tonight. She went down south to our neighbouring country to attend a workshop/ conference. It was just a short little week without parental supervision where nothing much happened in my life. I worked one shift, I sat in front of the computer all day on some days, and then other days I dazed around the house or cooked a little when I got excited about the ingredients in the fridge. The best thing was that I didn’t have to look over my shoulders to see if anyone’s peering into my secret gay life… I mean, sure, my brother might hear me talk to my girlfriend on skype, but he’s the least of my worries.

Now that mom’s back, I feel like I have to be extra cautious of what I’m doing on my computer; god forbid it be a queer-topic webpage or a lesbian movie. The worst part of it all, is that I have to “hide” the fact that I’m on skype 24/7 with my girlfriend or that I have to watch the time for my curfew, otherwise I get a scolding. I think I’ve been away on my own for too long; I really miss being able to do whatever I want, whenever, without anyone watching over me.

The Notion of Freedom

I had a really great conversation with a really good friend tonight. She is someone who’s had a fair share of life experience and someone who I could go to for advice, comfort, and would know all the right things to say (or at least the things I didn’t want to hear but needed to- most of the time). I love her dearly and her opinion is of considerable value to me.

I’ve also heard that she’s got an incredibly sharp gay-dar. When I didn’t explicitly come out to her in person, I’m sure she already knew which way I bent. For me, things were easy around her. I could be who I am without a care because I know she’s very accepting and open-minded. So as a bizarre way of confirming with myself who I am (that and also I would still question myself my own orientation), I asked her if I am gay. I thought if her gay-dar is that accurate, it might know me better than I know myself. Yeah, silly, right? I know. It turned out to be a great discussion about labels, how I see myself, and who I don’t have to be. I can be who I want to be, and if I don’t want to talk about my orientation, I don’t have to!

But I guess that’s a romanticized idea of freedom of expression. I’m not sure if there is a way of not addressing the topic when I’d like to talk about women in public (written or conversational), share about my dating/ unrequited love woes, or watch lesbian-themed videos on youtube without looking over my shoulders. And that freedom is especially absent at home. You don’t realize how important  freedom is until you don’t have it, and how liberating being free is until you are being suffocated.

Same can be applied to coming out. Freedom is when you’ve come out to your friends, family, and those who are important in your life. I came across a fellow closet blog today (I wish I knew how I can find more closets in the blogging world), and what a coincidence it was to see her URL being “freedom denied”.

[wait, writing up to this point has made me realize how ridiculous it is to have to “come out” to the world! It’s almost like talking to people about your religious beliefs… there are many options and many different practices; what you believe in, what you choose to practice, and how you express your beliefs are all up to you! Then again, growing up in a predominately heterosexual world, being “different” has a whole new meaning.]

Freedom is such a strange entity, such a mystery, and such an overrated feeling. I strongly suggest you check out “The Isle of Flowers” (it’s on youtube with English subs). This short film will slap you in the face with your own pre-conceived notions of freedom!