Steps to the Outside

I can’t recall the first time I’ve ever came out to a friend… I don’t think there was one specific instance where I remember being nervous about telling someone my orientation. And I think I know why.

My story of how I came to realize I am not straight is fairly unique in that it didn’t follow a simple question-epiphany-realization formula (not saying everyone’s was like that). It was more like a questioning-counselling-fall for a girl-more confusion kind of roller-coaster. Yeah, there’s actually “love” in the mix; how exciting!

Having been single all my life helped a great deal, too. Because I wasn’t verbally explicit about being infatuated with guys, I was able to conceal my desires towards women. Somehow the fact that I never had a boyfriend solidify the fact that you shouldn’t rule out homosexuality as a possibility as to why I’ve never been in a relationship, or automatically assume that I’m straight.

So since my sexual orientation wasn’t outwardly-expressed, it became more of an internal struggle; a struggle to come to terms with my desires and affection for women, and a struggle to accept this “new” me. Life has been pretty good after rediscovering who I am, and I’ve taken steps to avoid hiding my intentions from those around me (particularly friends)… hopefully these little steps out of the closet will mean that one day I can finally be “free”!

Reason(s) Why I’m Still In the Closet

I think there’s only ONE reason why I’m still in the closet (from my family, that is; I’m out to most of my friends – or the ones who are close, anyway).

I’m afraid of how they’ll react… especially my mom. She’s a traditional Chinese woman who’s also a Christian. What that means is

1) the cultural gender-binary construct isn’t a societal conformity. It is FACT. There’s no question about it. Anyone who falls in between black or white is questionable, and anyone questionable is “not right”. Girls should dress like girls – in pink/bright colours, pretty clothes and should care about the way they present themselves. Mom always warns me about displaying excessive masculinity. I shouldn’t be lifting heavy stuff, I shouldn’t dress like a boy, and I should leave “guy tasks” to guys. Every time she mentions this girl/boy stereotype bullshit I just want to yell, “WAAAAKE UUUUUUUP!!! We live in the 21st century, open your eyes to what’s happening in the world and start thinking progressively!”

But she’s traditional. And fairly strict. And changing her preconceived notions about gender isn’t gonna happen overnight.

2) Christians think queer folks are “wrong”. Sure, God loves everyone, but the Bible condemns the gays? Whenever she sees people who play on the same sex team, she’ll shake her head and say, “what are they thinking?” or something to the effect of, “I don’t understand, why are they not like the normal kids?” At that point I could only look away and grumble quietly to sound like I am concurring her statements. She dislikes gays with a passion. I’d say she’s almost homophobic the way she despises everything about them…

So yeah, I’m still hiding in the closet from my family because I don’t know how they’re going to accept my identity as a queer person. And frankly, I don’t know if they will. I do know that it will cause a lot of stress on my mom (gosh, I wonder what the people at church will say to her) and mostly I know that it’ll break her heart if I told her I much prefer women as partners with whom I can build a life than men. I just don’t have the heart to see her heart broken… again. (First time being my dad’s passing).