LDR

These past nine days in Halifax has been unreal and overwhelming. That’s really the only two words that encompass and describe all that I’ve felt and am feeling. Unreal, because things actually happened. I hopped on a plane and flew 4000+kms to see someone I’ve only met once two months ago. After all the texts, sexts, messages, pictures and videos we’ve exchanged we were finally talking and seeing each other in person. I could touch her, feel her breath on my skin, kiss her, caress her, whisper in her ears and tell her how much I love her.

And all of that is overwhelming. I have not spent more than 10 days with her but I already love her. How do I know that for sure? How do I know what I’m feeling if I can’t even believe this is all happening? What are all these feelings that have suddenly surfaced? The last time I was in love was four years ago; how will I know what it’s like to be in love again? This whole time I was looking for answers for my own feelings. What am I feeling? What am I doing on the East Coast? What is it like to realize these feelings that we’ve confessed over text in person?

I felt numb. I didn’t know what to feel or what to do. Our time together has been so perfect it’s like a capsule of happiness. Perhaps that’s the magic of a long-distance relationship: you treasure every moment you have together because you know you’re never in the same place for long (at least for the near foreseeable future). You know you’re both returning to your own realities once the time is up; you’re back in your own world, with each other only skimming the surface of your bubble of your everyday life.

But what I realized as the plane took off from the tarmac in Halifax was that amidst the overwhelming sense of surreality, I did fall in love. The whole experience was unconventional and dumbfounding, but it was love. And that’s the only thing that matters.

Wet Eyes and Dry Tears

Yesterday my girlfriend of a short 3 months broke up with me in an e-mail. She said she does not want to work on our relationship any more. This all came after I pointed out some incompatibility issues that were concerning me and affecting my feelings. Of course it took me by surprise. I didn’t know that she would give up what we had so easily, and I believed that she was a better person than that person who breaks up with people over technology. No one deserves to be dumped in such a disrespectful manner. The least I deserve is the decency of her announcing the end of our pairing to my face – just so it’s a bit more real and hurtful – so I know that it really is the end.

There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to tell her that despite what I think is incompatible, there are so many things that work in our relationship, and so many things we can look forward to in the next few months. I want to tell her that my feelings for her have not changed in the long run. I may be grumpy or upset some days, but they’re inconsequential to my overall happiness. I want to tell her that I still love her and want to be together.

On the other hand, I want to tell her that it is not fair to break up with someone in an e-mail. I want to tell her that I am angry that she did not give me the respect I deserved by dishing out the fate of our relationship on a plate and forcing it down my throat. It is not cool to shut me out because you’re angry and hurt. It leaves much to be desired.

Granted, we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but the connection and feelings were serious, real, and genuine. I’m sad that honesty can destroy the best of things. This is one thing for which I did not account for pouring my heart out. The one thing you hope for is when you’re the most vulnerable, the people who love you will be there to take care of you; not step all over and make you hurt more.

I felt like a zombie all day yesterday; like a glob of sadness and soullessness wandering aimlessly. Today was no better… I am in serious denial that this is happening…

Ghost

“I feel like a ghost.” When people ask me how I’m doing, that’s the answer I give them. I’ve been back on Canadian soil for two weeks now, but I don’t seem to have my head in Vancouver. I feel like a wandering, soul-less shell; traveling to and fro without purpose and aim. I carry blank stares because half of me is missing.

Eating makes me feel better. But even in something I enjoy doing so much, I cannot find the satisfaction I get from food. I don’t know; it seems like I’ve lost joy in what used to make me happy. It doesn’t matter what I try or do, I carry with me a presence of absence (if that makes sense?) It sounds depressing, I know, and I’m at a loss at what to do. I don’t know who to talk to, and I don’t know how to begin to get rid of my long face that I’ve put on since I’ve been back.