Initial responses

following my last post (which I decided to link to on facebook), there was an explosion of warm wishes and best regards for my well-being and wishes for understanding from my traditional Asian parent. Posting that link on my own profile means that this blog is no longer anonymous, but it also means letting people know how I feel and what I’ve been struggling with.

Looking at it afterwards, it felt like I had publicly attacked my mother – much like what I had done before to one of my instructors on my other, more regular blog a year ago. I didn’t want to antagonized my mom, nor did I want her to sound like the least sympathetic human beings ever. She is, after all, the woman who gave me life – and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for what I have in my life right now; but I wish she didn’t “reign” over me still. To say overbearing may be an understatement. Protective, caring, ok – I give you those, but when you have a midnight curfew AND a drinking ban (read: not even one drop) at age 24, don’t tell me you’d happily oblige.

Most people who showed their support and warm regards don’t know my mom. I’m sure they still gave her the benefit of the doubt when they read what I wrote.  All but two of the responses came from Christian friends, one being fairly liberal and the other defensive. I respected each of their replies, but was definitely cheered to hear the former. LGBT is such a divided issue (I’d say it’s almost a religious issue alone), one that requires lots of understanding and open-mindedness, which is arguably what my mom -or any other conservative Christian- lacks.

With the unanticipated amount of support from my friends, I feel like I had an emotional boost… but like a red bull it only lasts for hours. I’m still at my wits end, trying to figure out how to weave my tangled web of lies. I’ve already come across an obstacle: how do I tell my mom that I’m going to live with my gf for the month that she’s here visiting? How, when I have a hard enough time asking permission for a sleepover, do I tell her ‘Hey mom, I’m going to stay with my gf for 3 weeks. Cool? Cool.’ ?

 

My! Gay! Holiday!

Totally not feeling the holiday spirit this Christmas. It’s been a whole year since I’ve admitted to myself that I play on the same team (more or less), but last Christmas wasn’t as dreadful as this one. Maybe it’s that relatives are here visiting, and that I have to play the good hostess and accompany them as much as I can, which means not being able to be myself. It also means going to a lot of family friends’ gatherings where I have to play the good straight kid. It is tiring and especially draining on the emotional side (having to smile constantly and pretend that I’m happy).

It’s Christmas eve, and I’m home alone. I was tired from the short mall-strolling trip we (my family) took this afternoon. Funny enough, we ate at the food court about half an hour before the mall closed. I fell asleep on the bed just as they were heading out to a family friend’s to sing karaoke. So they went without me, and now I’m up. Maybe I had this all planned in my head without recognizing it consciously. I’m alone with my thoughts on the eve of Christmas… there are so many thoughts I want to jot down and turn into constructive posts, but the ‘cheerful holiday spirit’ that everyone’s expressing is bringing me down.

I have also come out to a Christian friend recently… which I’ve been putting off for ever because what I was afraid came true. We’re having an epic e-mail exchange where we respond to each other’s opinions and beliefs. It feels like it’s never-ending. And it feels like an inquisition into my ‘homosexual lifestyle’ (as she had phrased it). I know that coming out to Christian friends will likely result in disagreement with my choice of living in sin -aka leading a homosexual life. I know that there will be a lot of questions regarding my faith, and I know there will be a lot of judgment and not being able to understand the choices I’ve made (I’m not talking about misunderstanding. She’s simply unable to comprehend the idea that I’m gay and still believe in God). This discussion is tiring (geez, how many times have I used that word in this entry?). She’s not trying to persuade me to return to the ‘right’ path, but it sure feels like she’s pushing the religion I once knew down my throat so that I will hopefully have an epiphany and see what ‘mistake’ I’ve made. Even though I completely understand that she’s coming from all sorts of good intentions (as well as trying to understand my POV), I’m ready to close the case.

I wanted to spend my holidays with friends. Friends who are like my family and understand me for who I am. But some of them are away, some of them are spending it with their own family, and some of them are busy and overworked by the demanding Christmas shopping crowd. I can’t wait for it to be over so that there’s only the new year to look forward to. A new year, a new start, a new stage of my life (having finished my undergrad)! But for those of you who are cheery, have a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, winter solstice, or whatever it is you celebrate. If you’re not the celebratory kind, hope you’re basking in the warmth of the season and happy steering through the crowd this weekend!