I just called to say

“Hi, it’s me. The heart you broke two weeks ago? I know you blocked my number because my calls go straight to voicemail. Perhaps that is the single best decision you’ve made in our relationship because your voice was all I wanted to hear at the end of a long night, when I have no one else to talk to. I’m sure all of my friends -you included- are tired of my sadness charades or spells in the weeks following that fateful e-mail.

But you’re a hard drug that’s difficult to quit. My brain may be able to take the break-up for what it is, but my delicate and agonizing heart is screaming and sinking. The constant nagging and tugging for a dose of you, the outbursts of tears and the feeling of emptiness all point to a ‘withdrawal’. And there’s nothing I can do to get a fix… except maybe hearing your cheery greeting that is all too facetious for my intents and purposes.

Hi, it’s me. I know there’s nothing you or I can do to calm my mourning heart, but I just needed a fix… there’s so many things I want to say to you, but never will I spell them out in written form because some things are better said in person than not at all. So I guess I’ll just have to hold on to those words until I forget.

Hi, it’s me.”

You’ll Never Know

After a week of trying to hold it together and make it seem like it’s not a big deal, I finally broke down and cried for the last three days. Good thing this week was a flex week because the tears didn’t stop and I couldn’t get any work done. I had to take a break every 10 minutes just to try to calm myself down and get my eyes dry enough to see what I was doing. I’d lost my appetite, too. Most of the times I’d be on the phone with friends, one after the other, talking and crying it out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that my emotions were this out of control in my life. My eyes were dry at my dad’s funeral, and when my first ex and I split I felt more helpless and hopeless than sad or angry.

Yesterday was an especially hard day to cope. If I heard myself saying the things I was saying over the phone to my friends, I’d give myself a hard slap across the face. I was such a baby!!! I should give myself more credit and know that I am stronger than I think I am. Not being able to stop crying is okay, and not being okay yesterday only makes today easier to cope. My cheeks may be tender and my eyes may be puffy but I am at least able to work without breaking down.

The hardest thing for me to get over is the fact that she went cold turkey. That’s the part I don’t understand and get most upset about. We clearly still love each other and care about each other, so why cut off contact altogether? Why can’t there be a less difficult way to part as lovers? Why put ourselves through the pain of not only losing a romantic partner but also a friend? Why tarnish such a lovely relationship with a bad break-up? Why why why why why! I kept asking my friends for answers they don’t have. Letting go is already a difficult enough homework that I have yet to learn; it doesn’t need to be further complicated by a cold shoulder…

I kept wondering how I’d behave or act if I run into her on the street. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to say hi or give her the respect she failed to show me when our relationship ended. I wonder if I’ll bolt away as fast as I can, or if I’ll pretend I didn’t see her at all and not acknowledge her like any other stranger I pass on the street. I also wonder if we’ll be friends in the future… Guess I’ll never know.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

Things have progressively gotten worse this week. I am either angry or sad ALL THE TIME. Like, non-stop. I can’t stop the tears from welling up, and I am having a really hard time resisting the urge to throw my phone against a wall. Night time seems to be the hardest time to cope with these overwhelming emotions. I was telling my best friend who is going through a break-up of her own (funny that her bf broke up with her the same week… worse coincidence ever? I think so) that this is worse than a relative dying – because when a person is dead, you know they can’t talk to you. But when a person is choosing to not talk to you? It’s like when your parents are punishing you by giving you a cold shoulder or the silent treatment. Frustrating. Extremely frustrating.

The bestie says I need to take the high road and be mature; not do anything irrational or impulsive. But why? Why do I have to be the better person? I’ve always done what’s “right” and “better” but what have I gotten from it? Why can’t I be selfish like the way my now ex is and make a decision without thinking clearly about the consequences? Why can’t I just do what I want without giving shit about the other person? Who cares if the other person is down in the dumps if it makes me feel better? I really need to go smash something up. Throw dishes against a concrete wall, punches at a punching bag or pillow, or maybe scream at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. I was so sure I was done, but my tears have not stopped flowing and my cheeks are tender from those savoury streaks drying in the air.

Why do break-ups have to be this hard? Why can’t we make it easier for ourselves? There must be a way where both of us can cope more easily without having cut off contact with each other (or have it reduced to sending irrational texts back and forth, which definitely makes matters worse).

Wet Eyes and Dry Tears

Yesterday my girlfriend of a short 3 months broke up with me in an e-mail. She said she does not want to work on our relationship any more. This all came after I pointed out some incompatibility issues that were concerning me and affecting my feelings. Of course it took me by surprise. I didn’t know that she would give up what we had so easily, and I believed that she was a better person than that person who breaks up with people over technology. No one deserves to be dumped in such a disrespectful manner. The least I deserve is the decency of her announcing the end of our pairing to my face – just so it’s a bit more real and hurtful – so I know that it really is the end.

There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to tell her that despite what I think is incompatible, there are so many things that work in our relationship, and so many things we can look forward to in the next few months. I want to tell her that my feelings for her have not changed in the long run. I may be grumpy or upset some days, but they’re inconsequential to my overall happiness. I want to tell her that I still love her and want to be together.

On the other hand, I want to tell her that it is not fair to break up with someone in an e-mail. I want to tell her that I am angry that she did not give me the respect I deserved by dishing out the fate of our relationship on a plate and forcing it down my throat. It is not cool to shut me out because you’re angry and hurt. It leaves much to be desired.

Granted, we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but the connection and feelings were serious, real, and genuine. I’m sad that honesty can destroy the best of things. This is one thing for which I did not account for pouring my heart out. The one thing you hope for is when you’re the most vulnerable, the people who love you will be there to take care of you; not step all over and make you hurt more.

I felt like a zombie all day yesterday; like a glob of sadness and soullessness wandering aimlessly. Today was no better… I am in serious denial that this is happening…

I left

It was around this time last year that I finally decided to put my foot down and leave. I left my spouse of a year and a half, our marriage, and the happiness we once had. I left.

There were red flags all along the way, but I finally realized that things weren’t going to get better. I remember very vividly the day my ex-wife said to me during an argument we were having in the bedroom that she can’t be helped. There’s been too many years of trauma in her life that she didn’t think anyone or thing could help her, and that’s that. She had decided that she wasn’t going to get help because she didn’t think it was even worth a shot to try get a piece of her sanity back. I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and looked at her disappointedly.

My heart sank. It was the final pull for me to painfully remove myself from her life, however slow the process was going to be. I can’t help anyone if they don’t want to be helped. If I tried I’d be wasting my breath, time, and energy. So I gave up. Or at least I tried to stop helping her. I still do, in one way or another, because I am still legally bound to her and in court she’s still my responsibility – but now, after a year, I’m done playing the good ex-wife. It’s time to really call it quits; I just need to remind myself why I left.

Purgatory

There’s suddenly an urge to purge tonight. Emotions have been running high recently because I am finally moving my stuff out of the apartment I used to share with my wife, which means that our separation is really setting in.

Part of me is upset with myself because I’d let her stay at the apartment for which I am paying rent while simultaneously paying rent for the place that I am moving into with my best friend. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea in the first place, or that I was going to be okay with her staying there. Now, when it came time to pack my stuff and upheave myself from the place I love to live in a basement – I suddenly felt all the unfairness in the world. Granted, I brought this on myself. I could have just as easily asked her to move, then I wouldn’t be the one having to scramble or spend more money getting new furniture, kitchen ware, everyday supplies, etc. But I wanted to be the bigger person and let her stay in the cozy and comfortable abode. Besides, I would hate to displace her again, after having uprooted her from her country halfway across the world.

In any case I only have myself to blame. I just need to look on the bright side – at least I am moving in with my bestie! And I get to have my own space again…

The other part of me is upset because I still love my wife. A lot; more than she can imagine… and contrary to what she believes, I really really miss her and wish that I could be with her. But she is not the person I fell in love with anymore, and that makes me intensely sad. I just wish that she can find her path and lead a happy, healthy life – with or without me as a friend (because, truth to be told, I know it’s easier said than done). I also hope that I will be able to stop crying at a stupid “free hugs” video or the smallest romance break-up in a story line on TV or movies. I really can’t take this breaking-down-in-the-middle-of-nowhere business anymore, especially not when there’s no one I could think of to call or chat with at a time like this.