Catch Flights, Not Feelings

（我到底要用中文述說，還是寫英文會比較貼切呢？沒想到連這個我也沒辦法決定！）

最近好多好多的感觸，好想全部同時捕捉起來、鎖緊在一個玻璃瓶內然後丟到大海裡去。說不定飄洋過海後，這一罐濃縮的情緒會神奇的消失掉。

但是其實並不是不想去處理這些感覺，而是沒有勇氣去掘發更深層的內在。除了發文，我不知道要怎麼去面對這些情緒。為什麼感情一向那麼複雜呢？感情再怎麼不想去面對也還是要面對、再怎麼不想去理睬也還是會浮現、再怎麼的不願管理或經營也終究會倒閉。（當然有時候很不幸的不管你再怎麼努力的付出一樣還是倒閉的情況···）

這幾天常常會想到妳，想到我們不久以前的視訊。每次都說好不再連絡了，可是還是會不知覺的想到妳。上次視訊後理會到「一見鍾情」的意思，讓我不知所措。我發現我能維持這兩年遠距離的關係原來是因為我每次看到妳的時候，在我心中屬於妳的那把火炬會重新開始燃燒！每次見面後心中又會充滿了愛，好比幫一個盆栽澆水、餵肥料。

我心知肚明一直會想到妳的理由當然不只是是我想念妳，而是因為最近開始跟另外一個人走得很近。我不知道我該如何去面對這些交錯的感情。對妳、對她、對我自己都要負責··· 是我想太多了嗎？是我太在乎要快點走出這個感情混亂的時刻嗎？我知道我的感覺沒有對或錯，只有想不想去實現。

LDR

These past nine days in Halifax has been unreal and overwhelming. That’s really the only two words that encompass and describe all that I’ve felt and am feeling. Unreal, because things actually happened. I hopped on a plane and flew 4000+kms to see someone I’ve only met once two months ago. After all the texts, sexts, messages, pictures and videos we’ve exchanged we were finally talking and seeing each other in person. I could touch her, feel her breath on my skin, kiss her, caress her, whisper in her ears and tell her how much I love her.

And all of that is overwhelming. I have not spent more than 10 days with her but I already love her. How do I know that for sure? How do I know what I’m feeling if I can’t even believe this is all happening? What are all these feelings that have suddenly surfaced? The last time I was in love was four years ago; how will I know what it’s like to be in love again? This whole time I was looking for answers for my own feelings. What am I feeling? What am I doing on the East Coast? What is it like to realize these feelings that we’ve confessed over text in person?

I felt numb. I didn’t know what to feel or what to do. Our time together has been so perfect it’s like a capsule of happiness. Perhaps that’s the magic of a long-distance relationship: you treasure every moment you have together because you know you’re never in the same place for long (at least for the near foreseeable future). You know you’re both returning to your own realities once the time is up; you’re back in your own world, with each other only skimming the surface of your bubble of your everyday life.

But what I realized as the plane took off from the tarmac in Halifax was that amidst the overwhelming sense of surreality, I did fall in love. The whole experience was unconventional and dumbfounding, but it was love. And that’s the only thing that matters.