I Follow Rivers

Have you seen Blue is the Warmest Colour? That lesbian movie that came out last year with a bit of controversy regarding its lengthy and graphic sex scenes? If you haven’t, you should. (Obviously NOT for the graphic sex scenes… though that’s always a bonus!)

What struck me most from the movie is when Adele dances to Lykke Li’s I Follow Rivers (probably the Magician remix version though). I never thought a simple dance scene could convey so much! It was probably the most brilliant use of a scene I have ever realized/ come across so far, mostly because I didn’t realize before how freeing an experience dance is until I’ve starting going out to dance.

See, I love dancing. I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it. I’m not sure why I love it so much… it’s just another way I could express myself, I suppose. So when that scene came up in the movie, I couldn’t help but be bewildered by her freedom of expression and how, through dance, we can see Adele gain a sense of “self”. In that moment she “comes to” and embraces who she is. She finally lets go of everything and accepts the reality she’s in – kind of like the first time I went to pride by myself.

It was the summer of 2010, and I had just started to take my interest in girls seriously. For the first time in my life I started to consider the possibility that I would like to have relationships with women instead of men. I was extremely conflicted, having come from a religious background. I questioned my faith, I questioned my self; and I questioned my belief in my faith. Who I wanted to be and who I should be according to the words of Jesus Christ was doing a number on my brain. I didn’t know how to live both lives because they didn’t fit together.

That August came and I was determined to go to pride. I made up an excuse so I could stay at a friend’s during the whole festivity. It was the single most exhilarating and freeing experience I have ever had in the 26 years I’ve lived. I didn’t want to go home at the end of the day, and I certainly didn’t want the high to end. That was the day I vowed to be free: I wished I could live my life the way I wanted to, without having to hide my desires for women and who I am.

So I did. I, of course, not unlike some closet-dwellers, had to come to terms with certain things (mostly religious and family-related) before I could accept myself, but I’ve never felt better or more confident in myself because of who I am and who I’ve become since Vancouver Pride 2010.

Embrace your freedom, people!

Recent Uprising of Events

Okay, it’s not so much a “turn” of events as a little ripple that could qualify as a potential wave…

The other day mom confronted me at lunch. She asked about my visiting “friend”, then sneakily squeezed in the topic of LGBT and our orientation. She caught me off guard, and I wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation, throughout which my heart felt like it had jumped out of my chest and been served as a dish on the table.

My face probably turned white as she asked if my girlfriend seemed ‘strange’ or ‘weird’ to me (I knew what she meant). I pulled myself together and quickly said, “no”, hoping that she’d drop the sudden accusation. But she kept going: “How about you? Are you…?”

“No!” (I wasn’t ready for the consequences if I had said yes – I panicked!) The conversation went on: she asked if I supported gay rights.

“Of course!” I said. And she frowned. “A lot of my friends are gay!” as if that was my only justification for it… “I work in theatre and film; there’s a lot of queer people in my field,” I tried to explain to her how important making connection are in the industry. She said, “But you should stick to you beliefs. They’re ‘wrong’ and you should stay away from the people that can influence you in a bad way. You should live your life according to the Bible. The Bible says homosexuality is wrong, and you should stay away from that.”

Out of my desperation, I used Obama as an argument: “Obama’s a Christian who supports gay rights!” And you know what her comeback was? “That’s why the world is so messed up right now!”

I didn’t know what to say to her. At this point I thought it was better to keep silent so I can get out of there asap. But I wanted to scream “well if you support Obama, you support him supporting gay rights!!!” (because she IS an Obama supporter).

In the end, there’s no easy way to tell my mom that, 1) I could care less about what the Bible says, let alone live a life that’s pleasing to God, 2) I don’t want to go to church, 3) I like girls , 4) I have a girlfriend; and 5) I am sexually active. I think she’s going to have a heart attack.

All this pressure to suddenly come clean to my mom has just dawned on me with the anticipation of my girlfriend’s month-long visit in 5 days. I feel so hopeless and helpless… at least in less than a week’s time, my babei will be in my arms…