A guest tonight asked another good question that I’ve not really given much thought: “why didn’t you say you were a filmmaker?” It was her second night at the house, and we haven’t really talked until we were both cooking in the shared kitchen at the same time. It never occurred to me that I needed to walk around advertising myself or announcing the labels I’ve chosen to represent a part of my identity. I mean, sure, all artists need to be [shamelessly] promoting themselves to get their stuff out there, but I didn’t know that not “outing” myself as an artist was something to be questioned. Just like I don’t walk around announcing I’m a lesbian. Perhaps I should?
Tag Archives: labels
As Straight as a Wheel
One day in the computer lab, my friend said hi and came to sit beside me. We were making small talk when, all of a sudden, he turned to me and asked, “are you a lesbian?” I stuttered. I was dumbfounded at his straight-forward question. (He was also the person who asked Jack* if he was my boyfriend when I had this hope of us being something, and created this awkward tension until Jack and I had “the talk” later that night – turned out Jack valued our friendship too much to be anything more than friends with me. Anyway, this example was to illustrate how on-the-nose, or wrongly-timed sensitive questions this friend can have.)
I didn’t know how to answer the question. “Uh….” was all I could fathom. He could tell that he’s touched a sensitive subject, and I’m at a loss for a clear answer. “Mmm… sure, if that’s what you think,” I said some time later, as he was waiting patiently. “I don’t like labels, so I wouldn’t call it that,” I gave him an explanation, hoping he would understand. “Oh, okay, I see.” He turned back to his screen and said nothing else.
I went back to my work and pondered about my answer. I don’t know why I’ve been having such a hard time admitting who I am to other people. Coming out of the closet isn’t an easy process, I know. But I can’t even admit to myself that yes, if I like women, that technically makes me a lesbian (in the general public’s eyes). So if I’m having a hard time admitting to myself who I am, am I still who I think I am? Perhaps I don’t like labels. I’m not comfortable when someone tries to categorize me with the terms bisexual or lesbian. I would even have a hard time saying the word “lesbian” to my friends when I go out dancing at special events hosted and catered towards lesbians in the lower mainland during long weekends. Coming from a Christian background, there’s still some sort of shame that accompanies the term “lesbian” or “gay” -basically anything other than “straight” was taboo or incomprehensible, and they were words to be avoided and issues to be kept silent about if you don’t want a controversy at your hands.
I know, however, that I am definitely NOT straight. It’s okay when they assume or keep their notion of my orientation to themselves, but when they ask, I really don’t know what to say. I much prefer the term “queer”, mostly because it’s very broad and general. It doesn’t limit me to just either or options… and it kind of makes me sound eccentric. Hah. I like being eccentric!
*names have been changed to protect the individual’s identity
Where's My Dime? 