今天用錢買了快樂。簡短暫時的快樂很不是滋味。逛了一整天的街才發現，我這次回來台灣是真的有要為未來可能會搬回來的意願來做準備嗎？ 總有一種我是在逃避的感覺。說不知道在逃避什麼也不是，在溫哥華過自己的生活雖然有自由可是也有煩人的雜事。這是不管住在哪裡都會有的困擾吧！
台灣有很多東西我很喜歡，相對的不喜歡的事也多。在這邊東西便宜，消費率高。從捷運站走回家一定會經過便利商店或是各種各樣的路邊攤。襪子，小錢包，服飾，雞蛋糕，黑糖糕，滷味，炸雞，烤地瓜等等，選擇多得很。這麼多小東西，現實感也特別強，隨時隨地都可以滿足你的渴望及需求。想要填飽肚子只要在附近走走一定有吃的，想要喝個飲料樓下便利商店沒有你想不到的口味。
不過好像就是這種馬上就有的現實感會讓我有時候怪不自在的。要什麼沒有什麼找不到的。現在的小孩好像就是在這種速食主義下成長的，所以才沒辦法專心把一件事做好，注意力沒辦法集中。而我呢？可能也是一樣的，漸漸地越來越沒辦法執著在一件事上。這樣要怎麼才能把事做好呢？還是先沈溺在這方便的城市中吧…
All I could think about on my touristy walk around the park was where we could fuck in public without being seen. So many dead corners and blind spots without a visible soul in sight. So many missed orgasms and pleasure-inducing sexcapades waiting to happen. I am possessed; obsessed with your bright, beautiful, shining eyes, those tempting lips, the charming smile, and the impossibly perfect hands. I long to touch you, to hold you in my arms, and to feel your breath on my skin. My insides are screaming, aching for you. I don’t understand but I let it happen. I let thoughts of you occupy every cell in my body and give in to lust and desire.
n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.
Source: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
I came across this word on a list of vocabulary that we feel but can’t usually explain to people in my facebook feed today, and it seems to describe what and how I’ve been feeling in the last couple of days.
After my mom flew back to Vancouver last Saturday, I’ve been left to my own devices. Sure, there are still relatives and friends around, but it’s the first time in my ripe age of 28 that I’ve been able to spend as an adult in my hometown as opposed to being a visiting tourist. Making important decisions and spending money. By myself. Freedom! It was as if I’ve had a second coming-of-age and had to suddenly grow up in a place where I’ve always had a parent around. The feeling was strange and hard to place emotionally.
Last time I was here was four years ago, fresh off the cruise ship with my then girlfriend in tow. I was just beginning to discover who I am and everything seemed to be new. It was refreshing discovering your hometown with someone who’s never been here before. I felt like an insider taking a tourist around; not realizing that I was a tourist myself. Even though I have roots on this land and in this environment, my language and my thoughts have long been westernized. But when someone else who’s more “foreign” than you by comparison is around, you immediately feel like you’re home in a sea of Taiwanese people.
And obviously I AM home. Sort of. Taipei was where I was born and raised; I’ve lived here for almost half of my life and most of my childhood memories has a basis in Taiwan. But I know that even though I might have similar physical features and speak the same language as the people that are around me, I am vastly different from the average young Taiwanese adult. We do not share the same schooling experiences, way of thinking, or style of life. I felt out of place. I am home but not. It’s home but it’s foreign. I am foreign.
I have been in Taiwan for 2 weeks now. Even though I made the decision to come back rashly, I am really hoping this trip would be more than just pleasure and will help me feel reintegrated.
Where's My Dime? 