Fix You

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I discovered a new me three years ago when I went away to work on a cruise ship for about 7 months. It was the single most rewarding journey I’ve ever undertaken so far in my life. It was also during that time I fell in love and found an appreciation for partnership in my personal life.

But love can be toxic and broken if it’s not coming from a healthy place. I wanted to fix that love for the sake of a stable and happy relationship. I wanted to be the handy-woman who is able to repair whatever was handed to her, even if it’s something intangible. I wanted to try, at least, because I believed that love could overcome all things, including the demons in your head.

The constant danger and threat? That desire and temptation to give in to the dark, even for a fraction of a second; that dip into the madness can be forever detrimental. It seems like I lost that love just seven months ago, but really it was already gone before we had met.

The other day I was dining by myself at one of my favourite and most frequented restaurants on Commercial Drive. A playlist comprised solely of Coldplay filled the silence. I was unaware that Fix You had come on, and I was equally surprised by myself when tears started to well up in my eyes. It hadn’t occurred to me that I knew the lyrics or the title of the song; I guess it’s one of those things that gets stuck in your head when you’ve heard it too many times.

I wasn’t sure why I had tears running down my face (ironically when they sang “Tears stream down your face”). Maybe it’s the reminder again that not everything is for us to fix or that if it’s even “fixable” that made me feel defeated and therefore sad. I was naive enough before to think that love can fix anything and everything.  However, I realize now that love is a responsibility and can become a burden at times: love is wonderful and exciting but all too overwhelming…

I was crying for all those gentle but lost souls that have touched lives but cannot save their own. I was reminded again that in a battle against depression or any sort of mental illness, you’re the only one up against yourself. No matter how much support and help is available to you, it’s almost always a lonely battle. I tried, but I couldn’t fix you.

the perfect first kiss

Before I delve into the exhilarating world of kisses, I need to address the notion of being “perfect”. I was a band geek in high school. My choice of poison was music; five years of concert band and chamber music. I loved every minute of it and I loved my band teacher. He used to put up motivational quotes around the band room to encourage us – one of them being, “practice makes perfect”. But there is an excellent humourous come-back to that, which is, “but you can never be perfect so why practice?”

For me, practicing is so that you can at least come close to being perfect. The result of the hard work and effort you put in is definitely going to be well-worth the countless hours you spent practicing. So I suppose the same guideline applies to everything we’re doing in our lives – including something as simple (but challenging at the same time) as a first kiss. But what do you do when it’s not something you can really practice for because you really don’t get that many first kisses (unless you just move on from person to person)? Well, I’m going to at least attempt to describe what an ideal first kiss for me is in the hopes that I will one day come close to a perfect first kiss.

First kisses can be awkward, exciting, nerve-wracking, intimidating, rewarding, confusing (perhaps, but hopefully not), breath-taking (quite literally), electrifying, and so much more! That’s why it’s always such a big deal for me. It’s one of those things that can make you feel everything and nothing all at once. It’s an overwhelming sensation; the emotions a kiss triggers is so much more than just two people’s lips touching. So how do you perfect it?

I’d look longingly into the other person’s eyes, smile, glance quickly down to their lips while my own lips unconsciously part, then look back into their eyes and watch for their reaction. Hopefully the other person’s eyes will be glowing, too, and they will also fixate on your lips. Even if it’s just for that one-tenth of a second, I’ll still catch them stealing a glance because I’m looking for it. And they’ll smile back. I’ll slowly incline my body towards them and while my smile fades from my face, I’ll close my eyes and gently pull them closer. Of course it’d be best if they were also doing the same thing -leaning in and closing their eyes -it definitely helps if they have the same intention as you! Then your lips touch. It’s not too soft nor too hard. It’s just the right amount of pressure, applied for exactly the right time (not too short and not too long).

Is that specific enough? I suppose what I just described sounds generally like any good kiss. But that’s what a first kiss should be – good. All very subjective. Now where does the “perfection” come in? It’s the moment. The moment makes it or breaks it. You can’t really plan a first kiss – it has to be spontaneous at the right time and right place, if that makes sense. It’s the moment where two fleeting thoughts from two consciousnesses cross each other’s paths; it’s that moment when the intentions projected are met with utmost respect, passion and desire.

Interview

I went to a job interview today and answered all the questions fairly confidently until the curveball hit: “Why do you get up every morning? What motivates you to get up?”

I froze. I had no idea. My alarm! That was the obvious and humourous answer, but what motivates me? I wanted to say, “all the things that I’ve written down in my calendar and following my schedules!” But that seemed mundane, boring, lacked creativity, and worse of all, purpose. Why do I get up every morning? To what do I wake up and make me face the day?

“My wife. Waking up next to my beautiful wife, sharing and exploring the rest of my life with her” would have been the most appropriate answer had we not separated eight months ago.

The question stuck with me for the rest of the day, and I kept pondering and searching for an answer. Ultimately, I wish “my wife” could have been my answer. There’s just something magical in waking up next to someone you love that makes it one of the best things in the world. I know for sure it was definitely one of the many joys of being married.

But what now? Now that my wife and I have separated, why do I even get up every morning? Is it for the smiles of everyone I will meet during my day? Or to make sure everyone I love is OK? Perhaps that I just get up. I don’t think about why or how; I just do it and go about my every day business! I still don’t have a definitive answer, but it is definitely better than, “seeing beautiful people and making connections in the world” (which is what I ended up saying in the interview)…