Love Letter to Tofino

Dear Tofino,

You’ve changed. The last time I saw you, we had a blast trekking through the forest to stunning viewpoints, and memories to last a lifetime. But now, five months later, everything looks different.

The trail that used to lead me to a vast web in the forest, now overgrown and deserted, no longer provides a tree-top view of the ocean. An once hidden, half-secret trail that connected two beaches is now replaced with a new, clearer path that was cut out of inconsideration to the environment. Your streets flooded with tourists. People who are there to simply take advantage of all that you have to offer but don’t give a horse’s arse about what they do to you. Selfish, indulgent, and spoiled humans who don’t realize you are a gift to the West Coast of BC.

But I still missed you. I miss the sparsity of human population when the sun disappeared below the horizons; going out on the streets with just the moonlight illuminating my way; the night-time adventures down at the docks seeking peace and a piece of my mind; the morning routine and breakfasts with strangers. The winter looked good on you.

Among many things, people I’ve met in the two months I called you home was a delight. Perhaps that’s one of the things that made this trip so different. Friends who are fun and happy to be around you were no longer there. The community and the house I once called home were disintegrated. I felt like a stranger; an ex visiting a girlfriend I dated ages ago.

Tofino, you are different. But it’s me who have been so spoiled to have experienced you in the winter, to know and feel what it’s really like to call you home among the locals. I hope you know that you will always be a home to me, and I hope that I will have a chance to return home soon.

 

Yours,

xoxo

High and Low

I have a group of friends who come to Tofino to spend New Years every year, and when I met up with them I asked what their yearly traditions are, if any. They said that everyone takes turns sharing one high and one low point of their year. I thought that was a pretty clever way of thinking about your year. It makes you go through everything that has happened, filter and rank the good and the bad.

2015, arguably, has been one of the best years of my life. It’s been a year with lots more travelling than previous years: Hawaii, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, and Tofino. It’s been a big year for freelance SM work: Vancouver Spring Show, The Troika Collective’s Nordost (one of the best shows I’ve seen in Vancouver, I may add, though I could be a little biased), Vancouver Men’s Choir’s summer show MEN, Vancouver Pride Festival, and Unwrapping Culture in Montreal (Yes, I toured with a show as a stage manager for the first time this year). There were also memorable work assignments: FIFA Women’s World Cup at Roger’s Arena, the annual Vancouver Folk Music Festival at Jericho Beach, and Vancouver Queer Film Festival – three of the city’s biggest cultural events, I’d like to think. I also went camping with work friends, snowboarded with the bestie, worked on a feature film, performed on stage in a skirt, fulfilled my bridesmaid duties for a high school best friend, sang at an open mic night and wrote a song with a friend.

I’m not so sure if I can sum all those things up and count them as one big highlight of my year, but I also can’t pick one event that REALLY stood out because there were lots of “firsts” in my career, and they were all very exciting.

As for the low… I am also unsure if there is really a low. Perhaps it is asking my ex to move out of our apartment because I’ve been paying her rent for a whole year. But there’s an up side to that because I get to have the apartment back. Maybe it’s that I worked months on end without taking a break, thus burning out constantly. I remember this instance over the summer where I was two hours late for work and thought that was it; I was sure I’d get fired. But I got lucky was given a pass instead. Sometimes things work out magically! I should probably take them for granted less.

Now, what are my goals or resolutions for 2016? At the moment it’s to finish the story I’m writing (which I’m eventually turning into a screenplay) and start pre-production so I can crank out a film next year (2017) at the latest! There are lots of things this year I’m looking forward to already. My commitments will probably look somewhat like the shows and events I’ve done this year, but hopefully I’ll also get my creative stuff out there!

NYE

For the first time in the 16 years I’ve been in Canada, I spent New Years outside of Vancouver. It was, undoubtedly, one of the best new years eve I’ve had. Fireworks up close was impressive; even more so when it’s on the beach with starry skies as your backdrop. I was there with a couple of guests at the house and my best friend in Tofino. The guests ended up going to a pub for the countdown after the fireworks were done, and my bff and I toasted marshmallows and stayed warm next to the giant bon fire. There was a small crowd of no more than 10 people so it was cozy and heart-felt. It definitely felt different than counting down at a large party.

Deciding to come to Tofino and staying over the holidays may very well have been the best decision I’ve made in the last three months. So far I am having a great time meeting and connecting with people, and going on adventures. But this extended vacation is soon coming to an end. I have two more weeks to do whatever it is that I came here to do -write, I suppose- before having to return to the city with commitments/ projects in tow!

Fourth St Docks

Someone asked me what was at the docks. Memories, I said. Memories of that night back in September; memories of perhaps one of the most romantic nights I’ve experienced. Memories of her soft lips suddenly touching mine and how we held each other in the cold night.

But it wasn’t until I was actually at the docks for me to realize what was really there: my heart!

I sat on the deck of a float house that’s now parked next to the dock where she stole my heart and look out at the calm waters. I am not sure what I should do. I came here hoping that I’d find a way for her to hold on to my heart and keep it safe. But now I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m feeling and I’m not sure if I can sort it out before I run out of time.

Looking at the ocean and the full moon in front of me makes me want to share this amazing view with her, but I am still confused.

Tofino

there’s a kind of sadness tonight. Not sure if it’s from drinking two cans of beer, or that it’s comforting to listen to a room full of people connecting and having fun while sitting in front of the fireplace. It’s been exactly a week since I’ve been in Tofino, but two months is already starting to feel really short. I mean, it’s probably not enough time to do what I can came here to do… which I’m not sure what it is any more.

See, there’s a wonderful woman in Tofino on whom I have a crush. There was an awkwardness when I first arrived. I think we were both figuring out how to be around each other at first, but now we’re both more comfortable… or that we’re picking up on that chemistry we had when I first visited in September. But I’m trying not to dwell. She fits into the type of people I always fall for: unavailable and always on-the-go. You want who you can’t have, right? I’m trying to move on knowing that probably nothing good will come. I’m trying to not have any expectations or hope for a greater outcome, but that doesn’t mean I can get her out of my head… so here’s to trying.

Plan A/B

It’s been two days since I’ve arrived in Tofino. All is going well. I’ve been going on runs in the morning and finishing work around mid-afternoon, then going out of the house to see the amazing sights on the island.

I haven’t made any progress in terms of my writing. It’s on my to-do list but I never seem to get around to it. I think I am consciously putting it off because my head has been so pre-occupied with something else. So pre-occupied, in fact, that I think any effort in making what I want to work has been futile and too forced.

I feel like I am waiting for something big to happen all the time, but nothing is happening – there is no epiphany and nothing in my life has changed. I’ve only escaped my responsibilities and chores that were weighing me down in Vancouver and gone on an extended hiatus. I think I came here with too many expectations for myself that won’t be met. I need to fill my head with something else. Something completely different and encompassing so that I forget to focus on what’s been occupying my thoughts… but what?

Ten Thousand Miles

It’s finally the beginning of October. I have been looking forward to this month for many reasons. One, I am performing – and wait for it – in a skirt with my trumpet on stage (in front of a live audience)!!! I have been fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to work with 3 other talented ladies on creating a project that was inspired by war stories, and I can’t wait for people to see it.

Two, I’m stage managing a dance show so my work is consistent for 3 weeks. It also means I can concentrate on getting one thing done really well, as opposed to multi-tasking and dividing my attention to work on multiple shows at the same time.

Three, I will be travelling with said dance show to Montreal for a week! I’ve never been east of Saskatchewan, so this will be a good opportunity to see other major Canadian cities such as Ottawa and Toronto (and with them some familiar faces).

Four, it means that Tofino is merely a month away! Yes, Tofino. I am going back for a longer stay this time – a soul-searching journey, if you will. Priorities are to write my next short film and find/ ground myself again.

Five, pumpkin carving, autumn leaves turning red and the fall! Need I say more? It’s the start of a beautiful season.

Wow, I think that trumps not having any days off until I leave for the east-ish Canada. Five whole reasons to be pumped about October!

Perspective

I was finally able to take a week off from work at the beginning of September for some much-needed vacation time. I had been working non-stop since March with only about a handful of days off each month, and I was burning out constantly. There were days where I’d be one, two hours late to work. Days where I slept through my alarm because I wasn’t getting enough sleep and I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. There were days when I wanted to write so much but didn’t have time to. There were mornings where sleeping in for 30 minutes to an hour could have made all the difference, and there were times where showers would have been appreciated.

Needless to say, I was more than ecstatic about my vacation. I was set on going to Tofino right from the start. It was a close-enough destination from Vancouver, and a week sounded about the right amount of time to be there. I’ve lived in the Lower Mainland for 16 years and had not been to the west-coast of the island: it was time. Friends also raved about the place; naturally I had to see it for myself!

My family and some family friends decided to join me at the last minute in Ucluelet for the September long weekend. I scrambled to find a camping spot -booking anything last-minute for the last long weekend before school started was a challenge, to say the least- but I managed to secure the Ucluelet Campground for two nights. Our destinations were spontaneous. There were tons of beaches to visit and activities to check out, but their time on the island was so short that I let them decide what they want to do.

It started pouring just as we pulled into our spot at the campground. It made for a very wet and cold first night. We were soaked just setting up the tents and tarps, and our wet clothes stayed wet even when we packed up camp. But we did get a morning’s surf in. Tofino waves were a lot harder to navigate the the mild, warm, and calm Hawaii waters. It was quite fun nevertheless, and I think I am going to give it another shot if i do go back.

The family rushed back on Monday because they’re people with real 9-5 jobs that start the next day (luckily for me I’m not), so I caught a bus to Tofino and stayed at a place called the Tofino Travellers Guesthouse. Let me rave a little about this guesthouse: it’s by far the best place I’ve stayed at, ever. It felt more like home than home for me because I didn’t have to hide who I am. I get to be myself and behave without feeling like I am being judged. Most of the people staying there is travelling by themselves, and everyone is super friendly and welcoming! It was like having the big family I never knew I missed. The waffle breakfast, of course, adds bonus points!

I spent a day by myself, biking to nearby beaches in Tofino and seeing the town. I stopped to have lunch at Tacofino (obviously), and checked out their brewery. My last full day in town was spent at Hot Springs Cove. The boat ride was fun, and the trip was nice. But I probably wouldn’t do it again for the amount of dough I dropped.

Now, let me try to illustrate how this trip was such a positive experience. I went to Tofino with the expectation that it’ll look like most small costal BC towns -and it does-, but it had a much different energy/ vibe. Perhaps it has something to do with being a surf destination, so most people who are there are there for the waves. I can’t quite exactly pin-point my intrigue with Tofino, and I’m surprised that I love the place as much as my friends said I would.

On the morning before I flew home, I went down by the water to clear my head and soak in some Vitamin D. It was there that my brain wandered to the deep dark side of “searching for one’s purpose in life”. Sitting on the dock and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life gave me a real kick in the arse.  Why do I want to make films? What are the stories I want to tell? Why am I telling these stories? What do I want to say with these films I want to make? Does my voice really matter?  Do I really want to keep doing this for the rest of my life? What AM I doing with my life? I was dumbfounded and caught by surprise at what I had asked myself. They are important but scary questions. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. It was definitely a much-needed perspective though; because I was able to leave my responsibilities behind for a few days.

Coming home was hard. I was sad and reluctant to go. There could have been so many new possible adventures had I stayed! I’d have time to think and write! I can’t stay in this rut of work forever…

I believe the experience at the guesthouse made my overall Tofino experience that much more memorable. If I didn’t stay there I probably wouldn’t have had as much fun as I did. I most certainly wouldn’t have made any friends if I stayed elsewhere. And if I ever go back for another visit, the guesthouse is where you’ll find me! The owner of the house was right; I definitely left a piece of my heart back in Tofino.