Initial responses

following my last post (which I decided to link to on facebook), there was an explosion of warm wishes and best regards for my well-being and wishes for understanding from my traditional Asian parent. Posting that link on my own profile means that this blog is no longer anonymous, but it also means letting people know how I feel and what I’ve been struggling with.

Looking at it afterwards, it felt like I had publicly attacked my mother – much like what I had done before to one of my instructors on my other, more regular blog a year ago. I didn’t want to antagonized my mom, nor did I want her to sound like the least sympathetic human beings ever. She is, after all, the woman who gave me life – and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for what I have in my life right now; but I wish she didn’t “reign” over me still. To say overbearing may be an understatement. Protective, caring, ok – I give you those, but when you have a midnight curfew AND a drinking ban (read: not even one drop) at age 24, don’t tell me you’d happily oblige.

Most people who showed their support and warm regards don’t know my mom. I’m sure they still gave her the benefit of the doubt when they read what I wrote.  All but two of the responses came from Christian friends, one being fairly liberal and the other defensive. I respected each of their replies, but was definitely cheered to hear the former. LGBT is such a divided issue (I’d say it’s almost a religious issue alone), one that requires lots of understanding and open-mindedness, which is arguably what my mom -or any other conservative Christian- lacks.

With the unanticipated amount of support from my friends, I feel like I had an emotional boost… but like a red bull it only lasts for hours. I’m still at my wits end, trying to figure out how to weave my tangled web of lies. I’ve already come across an obstacle: how do I tell my mom that I’m going to live with my gf for the month that she’s here visiting? How, when I have a hard enough time asking permission for a sleepover, do I tell her ‘Hey mom, I’m going to stay with my gf for 3 weeks. Cool? Cool.’ ?

 

Recent Uprising of Events

Okay, it’s not so much a “turn” of events as a little ripple that could qualify as a potential wave…

The other day mom confronted me at lunch. She asked about my visiting “friend”, then sneakily squeezed in the topic of LGBT and our orientation. She caught me off guard, and I wasn’t prepared at all for the conversation, throughout which my heart felt like it had jumped out of my chest and been served as a dish on the table.

My face probably turned white as she asked if my girlfriend seemed ‘strange’ or ‘weird’ to me (I knew what she meant). I pulled myself together and quickly said, “no”, hoping that she’d drop the sudden accusation. But she kept going: “How about you? Are you…?”

“No!” (I wasn’t ready for the consequences if I had said yes – I panicked!) The conversation went on: she asked if I supported gay rights.

“Of course!” I said. And she frowned. “A lot of my friends are gay!” as if that was my only justification for it… “I work in theatre and film; there’s a lot of queer people in my field,” I tried to explain to her how important making connection are in the industry. She said, “But you should stick to you beliefs. They’re ‘wrong’ and you should stay away from the people that can influence you in a bad way. You should live your life according to the Bible. The Bible says homosexuality is wrong, and you should stay away from that.”

Out of my desperation, I used Obama as an argument: “Obama’s a Christian who supports gay rights!” And you know what her comeback was? “That’s why the world is so messed up right now!”

I didn’t know what to say to her. At this point I thought it was better to keep silent so I can get out of there asap. But I wanted to scream “well if you support Obama, you support him supporting gay rights!!!” (because she IS an Obama supporter).

In the end, there’s no easy way to tell my mom that, 1) I could care less about what the Bible says, let alone live a life that’s pleasing to God, 2) I don’t want to go to church, 3) I like girls , 4) I have a girlfriend; and 5) I am sexually active. I think she’s going to have a heart attack.

All this pressure to suddenly come clean to my mom has just dawned on me with the anticipation of my girlfriend’s month-long visit in 5 days. I feel so hopeless and helpless… at least in less than a week’s time, my babei will be in my arms…

Anni! Ver! Sary!

I am not the kind of eloquent person you see in youtube videos that can speak their minds freely without writing a draft of their speech. So when it comes to expressing my feelings, writing’s my first resort. That said, I do believe that pictures are worth thousands of words… well, maybe they show more of an “atmosphere” than a particular feeling. To (inadequately) proclaim to the world how much I love my girlfriend who I’ve been with for the last six months, I am going to attempt to write about her and why I love her so much for our anniversary.

If you’ve never met my girlfriend, don’t be surprised or alarmed at her beauty. (Yes, a lesbian coupling can be made up of two beautiful beings – contrary to stereo-typical beliefs that one’s gotta be a butch and the other femme.) But don’t let the sexy exterior thwart you off, either. She’s got a big, warm heart that will smother you in love when you dig your way through her walls. She may look strong and confident, but really she’s delicate and tender on the inside (hah! pun intended 😉 ). She’s like a ceramic doll with caramel filling. Sweet and tasty… mmm… sorry, that was probably too much information. Maybe I should stop here and save you the goosebumps.

It’s hard to sum up what a person’s like in words. You really have to ‘experience’ her personality yourself. Don’t worry, she won’t bite!

I love you babeii. From here to the moon and back. XO ❤