There is a creative group project in my women’s studies class. My group ended up making a documentary-type video titled “Intimate Friendships”. I was the video guru, the other three were the powerhouses behind the ideas and questions, and the interviewees were the brave participants that lent us an insight into their mind. I’d say it was quite a successful video. Successful in that we learned as much from the process as the video is informative for those who watch it. Not only have I learned about other people’s take on asexuality and queerness in friendships, I’ve discovered my own opinions about those subjects.
At first when we first started brainstorming questions for the interviews, I couldn’t think of anything. Or answer any of the questions my group-mates came up with. I have never thought about those issues before… and I was curious what my answers were going to be. So I pondered:
Have you had any meaningful yet non-sexual relationships in your life?
Yes! All of my meaningful relationships in my life are not sexual! Friendships are very important and I value them a lot. I have friends who make me want to be a better person, and those friends are extremely close to my heart because I adore and admire them for who they are.
Have you ever had to defend your non-sexual relationship?
No. It’s funny, actually, that my friend and I were mistaken to be a couple one time we went shopping (at TNA, no less!). The salesperson asked when I went to get another size for my friend to try on in the dressing room, “are you looking for a size for your girlfriend?”. What she said hadn’t registered in my head so I just said, “yes”. As soon as I had, I realized what she had meant by “girlfriend”. It was an amusing and funny incident, because my friend is not in the slightest anything other than straight. But I didn’t see the need to correct the salesperson. She didn’t know me or my friend, and she probably wouldn’t even have cared if we weren’t together. Had I corrected her afterwards, the situation would become awkward.
But to go back to the question… quite the opposite! Sometimes I would WANT someone to think that I am dating a friend when I’m out with them. Sometimes I love my friend(s) so much that if we were mistaken to be a couple, I would feel happy and flattered that I’m girlfriend material! (This might be a weird “being single my whole life” effect though…)
Can you have a romantic relationship that is not sexual?
This is the question that I wrote down after our brainstorming session. (And it made the cut into the interview videos!) This was such a surprising concept to me that I was taken aback because at first I wasn’t sure I -or anyone, for that matter- could. The idea that you can’t have romance without sex is so present in our culture that it’s hard to think otherwise, especially when you’re acutely aware of your sexually active friends – we talk about it, joke about it; it’s a socially understood phenomenon… there is no escaping it! Upon second thought, I realized that romance and sex are NOT dependent on one another. Sure, you could argue that they are since sex is the actualization of a physical connection that you [could] pursue when you’re in love. But you can BE in love without having had sex, correct? So why can’t you have a romantic relationship that is not sexual? I mean, you don’t sleep with every person you date, do you? (Okay, maybe some of you do). But romance =/= sex!
Have you ever had a crush on someone you are not sexually interested in?
When I really think about it, maybe half of the crushes I have are not sexual. They’re more “friendship crushes” or “academic crushes” (to use the term from one of the interviewees). They are people who I admire so much that I want to be their friends and become part of their life, and I will not stop pursuing this until it happens. This might not necessarily be a romantic connection, you see, but rather an intellectual one.
Story time: I remember in my first year in theatre, there were these two theatre performance students who are best friends, and their boyfriends are best friends. So they always traveled in either two’s or four’s, and they were very attractive (thinking back on it now, it was probably the friendship and relationships the four of them had with each other that were exciting to me). So I would ‘stalk’ them (thank you facebook) and whenever I see them on campus -it helped that they lived in residence- I would shadow them to see what they’re like. For a short period of time they were the unstoppable duo in ensemble… then in my fourth year, I finally had the chance to work with them! And from there, we became good friends and even made a film together!
So yeah, there are people whose soul would catch my eye once in a blue moon, and when I’m hooked, I’m hooked!!!
I am very proud of this group project. It is probably the most work I’ve put in into any kind of group project, and undoubtedly one of the few that I learned the most from (about myself and others). I have to thank my group members for helping me go on this road of discovery. It has been a delightful treat!
Where's My Dime? 