You’ll Never Know

After a week of trying to hold it together and make it seem like it’s not a big deal, I finally broke down and cried for the last three days. Good thing this week was a flex week because the tears didn’t stop and I couldn’t get any work done. I had to take a break every 10 minutes just to try to calm myself down and get my eyes dry enough to see what I was doing. I’d lost my appetite, too. Most of the times I’d be on the phone with friends, one after the other, talking and crying it out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that my emotions were this out of control in my life. My eyes were dry at my dad’s funeral, and when my first ex and I split I felt more helpless and hopeless than sad or angry.

Yesterday was an especially hard day to cope. If I heard myself saying the things I was saying over the phone to my friends, I’d give myself a hard slap across the face. I was such a baby!!! I should give myself more credit and know that I am stronger than I think I am. Not being able to stop crying is okay, and not being okay yesterday only makes today easier to cope. My cheeks may be tender and my eyes may be puffy but I am at least able to work without breaking down.

The hardest thing for me to get over is the fact that she went cold turkey. That’s the part I don’t understand and get most upset about. We clearly still love each other and care about each other, so why cut off contact altogether? Why can’t there be a less difficult way to part as lovers? Why put ourselves through the pain of not only losing a romantic partner but also a friend? Why tarnish such a lovely relationship with a bad break-up? Why why why why why! I kept asking my friends for answers they don’t have. Letting go is already a difficult enough homework that I have yet to learn; it doesn’t need to be further complicated by a cold shoulder…

I kept wondering how I’d behave or act if I run into her on the street. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to say hi or give her the respect she failed to show me when our relationship ended. I wonder if I’ll bolt away as fast as I can, or if I’ll pretend I didn’t see her at all and not acknowledge her like any other stranger I pass on the street. I also wonder if we’ll be friends in the future… Guess I’ll never know.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

Things have progressively gotten worse this week. I am either angry or sad ALL THE TIME. Like, non-stop. I can’t stop the tears from welling up, and I am having a really hard time resisting the urge to throw my phone against a wall. Night time seems to be the hardest time to cope with these overwhelming emotions. I was telling my best friend who is going through a break-up of her own (funny that her bf broke up with her the same week… worse coincidence ever? I think so) that this is worse than a relative dying – because when a person is dead, you know they can’t talk to you. But when a person is choosing to not talk to you? It’s like when your parents are punishing you by giving you a cold shoulder or the silent treatment. Frustrating. Extremely frustrating.

The bestie says I need to take the high road and be mature; not do anything irrational or impulsive. But why? Why do I have to be the better person? I’ve always done what’s “right” and “better” but what have I gotten from it? Why can’t I be selfish like the way my now ex is and make a decision without thinking clearly about the consequences? Why can’t I just do what I want without giving shit about the other person? Who cares if the other person is down in the dumps if it makes me feel better? I really need to go smash something up. Throw dishes against a concrete wall, punches at a punching bag or pillow, or maybe scream at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. I was so sure I was done, but my tears have not stopped flowing and my cheeks are tender from those savoury streaks drying in the air.

Why do break-ups have to be this hard? Why can’t we make it easier for ourselves? There must be a way where both of us can cope more easily without having cut off contact with each other (or have it reduced to sending irrational texts back and forth, which definitely makes matters worse).

Everly Brothers Know What’s Up

I’ll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurtin’ me
I’ve got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I’ll do my cryin’ in the rain

If I wait for cloudy skies
You won’t know the rain from the tears in my eyes
You’ll never know that I still love you so
Though the heartaches remain
I’ll do my cryin’ in the rain

Rain drops fallin’ from Heaven
Could never wash away my misery
But since we’re not together
I pray for stormy weather
To hide these tears I hope you’ll never see

Some day when my cryin’s done
I’m gonna wear a smile and walk in the sun
I may be a fool but till then, darling
You’ll never see me complain
I’ll do my cryin’ in the rain

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Wet Eyes and Dry Tears

Yesterday my girlfriend of a short 3 months broke up with me in an e-mail. She said she does not want to work on our relationship any more. This all came after I pointed out some incompatibility issues that were concerning me and affecting my feelings. Of course it took me by surprise. I didn’t know that she would give up what we had so easily, and I believed that she was a better person than that person who breaks up with people over technology. No one deserves to be dumped in such a disrespectful manner. The least I deserve is the decency of her announcing the end of our pairing to my face – just so it’s a bit more real and hurtful – so I know that it really is the end.

There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to tell her that despite what I think is incompatible, there are so many things that work in our relationship, and so many things we can look forward to in the next few months. I want to tell her that my feelings for her have not changed in the long run. I may be grumpy or upset some days, but they’re inconsequential to my overall happiness. I want to tell her that I still love her and want to be together.

On the other hand, I want to tell her that it is not fair to break up with someone in an e-mail. I want to tell her that I am angry that she did not give me the respect I deserved by dishing out the fate of our relationship on a plate and forcing it down my throat. It is not cool to shut me out because you’re angry and hurt. It leaves much to be desired.

Granted, we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but the connection and feelings were serious, real, and genuine. I’m sad that honesty can destroy the best of things. This is one thing for which I did not account for pouring my heart out. The one thing you hope for is when you’re the most vulnerable, the people who love you will be there to take care of you; not step all over and make you hurt more.

I felt like a zombie all day yesterday; like a glob of sadness and soullessness wandering aimlessly. Today was no better… I am in serious denial that this is happening…

Ode to Kronborg Castle

(written for an online contest about staying at the Kronborg Castle for Shakespeare’s 400th birthday celebration!)

To Elsinore we must go
For it’s alluded us so
We’ve known Hamlet since 10
We were friends from way back then

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were like distant brothers
Though we never paid too much heed
Because boys were boys
And we ourselves discovery need

Eight years later
University beckoned
The King’s Ghost haunted us
We were reacquainted once again

This time the love affair with the Royal Danes
and the obsession for poor Ophelia’s sufferings
Took hold of our academic lives
We were knee-deep in Hamlet’s state of affairs

But the love and kinship this time did not end
It extended beyond papers and textbooks
We were old enough to embrace and understand
Old Yorick’s skull was truly a gem

No words are ever precise or sufficient
To describe my girlfriend’s adoration for the Bard of Avon
I know I am no competition
When it comes to her love for the English language

And I, an artist living and breathing film and theatre
in beautiful Vancouver, BC
Would love the opportunity
To shake Horatio’s hands and applaud his courage all these years

Though my girlfriend and I discovered Hamlet on separate journeys,
We share a love for Shakespeare
Because we know his literature has staying power
And through him our love will flower

This iambic pentameter is harder than words can say
but it’s the bonus and the stay at the home of Hamlet that we pray
For there is nothing else more exciting
Than being able to share our love
In the castle by the Danish shore