Thoughts

I’m glued to the computer and I hate it – I despise the human race’s independence on technology, yet at the same time I can’t help but embrace it. My girlfriend’s on the other side of the planet, and all I can do is ogle and talk to a screen.

Mommy Dearest

I just picked my mom up from the airport earlier tonight. She went down south to our neighbouring country to attend a workshop/ conference. It was just a short little week without parental supervision where nothing much happened in my life. I worked one shift, I sat in front of the computer all day on some days, and then other days I dazed around the house or cooked a little when I got excited about the ingredients in the fridge. The best thing was that I didn’t have to look over my shoulders to see if anyone’s peering into my secret gay life… I mean, sure, my brother might hear me talk to my girlfriend on skype, but he’s the least of my worries.

Now that mom’s back, I feel like I have to be extra cautious of what I’m doing on my computer; god forbid it be a queer-topic webpage or a lesbian movie. The worst part of it all, is that I have to “hide” the fact that I’m on skype 24/7 with my girlfriend or that I have to watch the time for my curfew, otherwise I get a scolding. I think I’ve been away on my own for too long; I really miss being able to do whatever I want, whenever, without anyone watching over me.

Misogyny, Sexism, Bullying

Yesterday a (male) host on 95.3 virgin radio was talking about how Prince Harry’s girlfriend “took him back” after his nude pictures scandal in Vegas, but that the situation would be different if it was reversed. If the person involved in a scandal was the boyfriend of a princess, then she would drop him like a hot-cake. The host proceeded to say: “If you’re raising a boy and a girl, you gotta treat them differently” before quickly going into a song.

My first impression was: wow, what a sexist radio host! I couldn’t believe he just said that! But I suppose there’s some truth in his statement. Girls are boys are different biologically, so yes, when it comes to issues concerning their bodies (ie biological development), you treat them according to their sex. But to me gender is a social construct; how they want to act, what kind of toys they choose, or who they’d like to play with are all up to them. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to how they should behave like a girl or a boy.

Recently in the news is the tragedy of Amanda Todd, a BC teen who was cyber-bullied and ultimately committed suicide. Everyone focused on the issue of bullying. Lots of efforts were poured into educating young people about bullying in school over the next few days. One writer brought up misogyny. (Misogyny is defined as “the hatred of women by men”) I guess there is a little bit of that in this case. She was, after all, tracked down by a male stalker who made it his goal to abuse and blackmail her. But did he do it out of hatred for women? I think he did it because he wanted to; no one stopped him – a pedophile who thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable.

Not only do we need to educate the young ones, we need to educate the adults who are bringing up kids. If a parent is a bully, more than likely the kid will be a bully as well. We need a new shift in attitude is what I think. A whole generation disciplined and attitudes uprooted so that if someone we know is bullied, we don’t join the bullies but stand up for the bullied.

Ghost

“I feel like a ghost.” When people ask me how I’m doing, that’s the answer I give them. I’ve been back on Canadian soil for two weeks now, but I don’t seem to have my head in Vancouver. I feel like a wandering, soul-less shell; traveling to and fro without purpose and aim. I carry blank stares because half of me is missing.

Eating makes me feel better. But even in something I enjoy doing so much, I cannot find the satisfaction I get from food. I don’t know; it seems like I’ve lost joy in what used to make me happy. It doesn’t matter what I try or do, I carry with me a presence of absence (if that makes sense?) It sounds depressing, I know, and I’m at a loss at what to do. I don’t know who to talk to, and I don’t know how to begin to get rid of my long face that I’ve put on since I’ve been back.