Beach Talk II

A guest tonight asked another good question that I’ve not really given much thought: “why didn’t you say you were a filmmaker?” It was her second night at the house, and we haven’t really talked until we were both cooking in the shared kitchen at the same time. It never occurred to me that I needed to walk around advertising myself or announcing the labels I’ve chosen to represent a part of my identity. I mean, sure, all artists need to be [shamelessly] promoting themselves to get their stuff out there, but I didn’t know that not “outing” myself as an artist was something to be questioned. Just like I don’t walk around announcing I’m a lesbian. Perhaps I should?

Beach Talk

There are lots of really great conversations that happen at the guest house. Most are small talk, but some days you’ll end up having epic discussions on feminism, politics, representation of groups of minority in the media, social media and its effects on people, etc.

A friend asked the other morning, while I was writing a new entry for my blog during breakfast, why I blog. The answer was simple: writing is my creative outlet as well as a way for my brain to reorganize itself and refresh the thoughts the keep swirling around. But she scrutinized the fact that it’s published on the internet for people to read. Yes, I said, I’m aware of that; but that does not affect my writing. I don’t write for an intended audience, nor do I really censor myself when I write (arguably choosing what to write is already censoring in a way). I write for myself so that I can come back to it and rediscover what I was thinking during that particular time. It’s a record and collection of my emotional journey that I can look back on, if I desire to do so.

But you can write, say in a document, and not have it published on the ‘net. Hmm. Yes, I could do that. But it’s just not the same. I couldn’t pin-point exactly what the appeal of blogging is when I was questioned.  I told her that it’s always been how I’ve written. This box and this formatting. So it had become sort of a habit. It’s harder for me to write otherwise.

If no one really reads your blogs anyway (or you don’t know who is), why bother putting your thoughts out there for the public? So that it’s there for people to read it if they want? I don’t post a link to every single post I write, nor do I shamelessly promote it. But people do have access to my thoughts. I make them public in the hopes that people will understand me better because I communicate better with writing.

She still wasn’t satisfied with my answer. She couldn’t get past the fact that it’s PUBLISHED on the internet for everyone to read. But what’s so bad about that? There’s nothing wrong with sharing my life, or wanting to share my struggles and happiness so people can perhaps connect with them and know that they’re not alone in the world. There’s no possible way to know IF anyone is indeed engaging with the content I’m putting out there in a way that’s helpful to them, but do I need to know?

Yeah, but you can CONNECT with people in person, on a face-to-face level. Yes, and I do. I connect with people in person every day. But somehow it feels empty. I’m not the “express my feelings verbally” kind of person, so I seldom participate in a conversation unless I have something positive to contribute (I make a really good listener though!). I write to soothe my soul; to declutter my brain. Perhaps it is also to show how lonely I sometimes feel in this world. At the end of the day, if I need to unload some grey matter, I don’t know who I feel comfortable enough to call. My blog is like a silent audience. It will listen closely and be still for however long I intend to write. It’s unprejudiced, unbiased, neutral.

Now that I’ve had more time to think about the matter – about why my thoughts are published on the internet, I can only honestly say that it’s part of my artistic expression. What that means for me, is that to be an artist is to create and show people your work. Even though something as streamlined or conventional as blogging is, it’s still part of my identity and artistic practice. So it might not look like art (nor is it intended to be “art”), it’s a way of showing people my “work”. And everyone knows that to be a successful artist you’d have to put yourself out there and have people engage in your work.

To further expand on sharing my life with the interwebs, I’d like to quote a TED talk by writer Andrew Solomon,

If we live out loud, we can trance the hatred and expand everyone’s lives. Forge meaning, build identity. Forge meaning, build identity. And then invite the world to share your joy.

I don’t think I can provide a better explanation than that. Sure, he’s not talking specifically about blogging, but the idea of connecting with people and sharing your life with them is there.

High and Low

I have a group of friends who come to Tofino to spend New Years every year, and when I met up with them I asked what their yearly traditions are, if any. They said that everyone takes turns sharing one high and one low point of their year. I thought that was a pretty clever way of thinking about your year. It makes you go through everything that has happened, filter and rank the good and the bad.

2015, arguably, has been one of the best years of my life. It’s been a year with lots more travelling than previous years: Hawaii, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, and Tofino. It’s been a big year for freelance SM work: Vancouver Spring Show, The Troika Collective’s Nordost (one of the best shows I’ve seen in Vancouver, I may add, though I could be a little biased), Vancouver Men’s Choir’s summer show MEN, Vancouver Pride Festival, and Unwrapping Culture in Montreal (Yes, I toured with a show as a stage manager for the first time this year). There were also memorable work assignments: FIFA Women’s World Cup at Roger’s Arena, the annual Vancouver Folk Music Festival at Jericho Beach, and Vancouver Queer Film Festival – three of the city’s biggest cultural events, I’d like to think. I also went camping with work friends, snowboarded with the bestie, worked on a feature film, performed on stage in a skirt, fulfilled my bridesmaid duties for a high school best friend, sang at an open mic night and wrote a song with a friend.

I’m not so sure if I can sum all those things up and count them as one big highlight of my year, but I also can’t pick one event that REALLY stood out because there were lots of “firsts” in my career, and they were all very exciting.

As for the low… I am also unsure if there is really a low. Perhaps it is asking my ex to move out of our apartment because I’ve been paying her rent for a whole year. But there’s an up side to that because I get to have the apartment back. Maybe it’s that I worked months on end without taking a break, thus burning out constantly. I remember this instance over the summer where I was two hours late for work and thought that was it; I was sure I’d get fired. But I got lucky was given a pass instead. Sometimes things work out magically! I should probably take them for granted less.

Now, what are my goals or resolutions for 2016? At the moment it’s to finish the story I’m writing (which I’m eventually turning into a screenplay) and start pre-production so I can crank out a film next year (2017) at the latest! There are lots of things this year I’m looking forward to already. My commitments will probably look somewhat like the shows and events I’ve done this year, but hopefully I’ll also get my creative stuff out there!

NYE

For the first time in the 16 years I’ve been in Canada, I spent New Years outside of Vancouver. It was, undoubtedly, one of the best new years eve I’ve had. Fireworks up close was impressive; even more so when it’s on the beach with starry skies as your backdrop. I was there with a couple of guests at the house and my best friend in Tofino. The guests ended up going to a pub for the countdown after the fireworks were done, and my bff and I toasted marshmallows and stayed warm next to the giant bon fire. There was a small crowd of no more than 10 people so it was cozy and heart-felt. It definitely felt different than counting down at a large party.

Deciding to come to Tofino and staying over the holidays may very well have been the best decision I’ve made in the last three months. So far I am having a great time meeting and connecting with people, and going on adventures. But this extended vacation is soon coming to an end. I have two more weeks to do whatever it is that I came here to do -write, I suppose- before having to return to the city with commitments/ projects in tow!