Exulansis

n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.

Source: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

I came across this word on a list of vocabulary that we feel but can’t usually explain to people in my facebook feed today, and it seems to describe what and how I’ve been feeling in the last couple of days.

After my mom flew back to Vancouver last Saturday, I’ve been left to my own devices. Sure, there are still relatives and friends around, but it’s the first time in my ripe age of 28 that I’ve been able to spend as an adult in my hometown as opposed to being a visiting tourist. Making important decisions and spending money. By myself. Freedom! It was as if I’ve had a second coming-of-age and had to suddenly grow up in a place where I’ve always had a parent around. The feeling was strange and hard to place emotionally.

Last time I was here was four years ago, fresh off the cruise ship with my then girlfriend in tow. I was just beginning to discover who I am and everything seemed to be new. It was refreshing discovering your hometown with someone who’s never been here before. I felt like an insider taking a tourist around; not realizing that I was a tourist myself. Even though I have roots on this land and in this environment, my language and my thoughts have long been westernized. But when someone else who’s more “foreign” than you by comparison is around, you immediately feel like you’re home in a sea of Taiwanese people.

And obviously I AM home. Sort of. Taipei was where I was born and raised; I’ve lived here for almost half of my life and most of my childhood memories has a basis in Taiwan. But I know that even though I might have similar physical features and speak the same language as the people that are around me, I am vastly different from the average young Taiwanese adult. We do not share the same schooling experiences, way of thinking, or style of life. I felt out of place. I am home but not. It’s home but it’s foreign. I am foreign.

I have been in Taiwan for 2 weeks now. Even though I made the decision to come back rashly, I am really hoping this trip would be more than just pleasure and will help me feel reintegrated.

Three Stooges

Nostalgia is

being reminded of why I liked you many moons ago

when we finally had the chance to go out dancing together

you are simply mesmerizing

 

Nostalgia is

getting emotional while listening to “In Our Bedroom After the War”

because it’s your favourite Stars song

even though I didn’t want a future with you

 

Nostalgia is

having a crush on a work acquaintance

but not the courage to ask her out

because I wasn’t sure if I had room in my heart

Tofino

there’s a kind of sadness tonight. Not sure if it’s from drinking two cans of beer, or that it’s comforting to listen to a room full of people connecting and having fun while sitting in front of the fireplace. It’s been exactly a week since I’ve been in Tofino, but two months is already starting to feel really short. I mean, it’s probably not enough time to do what I can came here to do… which I’m not sure what it is any more.

See, there’s a wonderful woman in Tofino on whom I have a crush. There was an awkwardness when I first arrived. I think we were both figuring out how to be around each other at first, but now we’re both more comfortable… or that we’re picking up on that chemistry we had when I first visited in September. But I’m trying not to dwell. She fits into the type of people I always fall for: unavailable and always on-the-go. You want who you can’t have, right? I’m trying to move on knowing that probably nothing good will come. I’m trying to not have any expectations or hope for a greater outcome, but that doesn’t mean I can get her out of my head… so here’s to trying.