n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness—which allows it to drift away from the rest of your life story, until the memory itself feels out of place, almost mythical, wandering restlessly in the fog, no longer even looking for a place to land.
Source: The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows
I came across this word on a list of vocabulary that we feel but can’t usually explain to people in my facebook feed today, and it seems to describe what and how I’ve been feeling in the last couple of days.
After my mom flew back to Vancouver last Saturday, I’ve been left to my own devices. Sure, there are still relatives and friends around, but it’s the first time in my ripe age of 28 that I’ve been able to spend as an adult in my hometown as opposed to being a visiting tourist. Making important decisions and spending money. By myself. Freedom! It was as if I’ve had a second coming-of-age and had to suddenly grow up in a place where I’ve always had a parent around. The feeling was strange and hard to place emotionally.
Last time I was here was four years ago, fresh off the cruise ship with my then girlfriend in tow. I was just beginning to discover who I am and everything seemed to be new. It was refreshing discovering your hometown with someone who’s never been here before. I felt like an insider taking a tourist around; not realizing that I was a tourist myself. Even though I have roots on this land and in this environment, my language and my thoughts have long been westernized. But when someone else who’s more “foreign” than you by comparison is around, you immediately feel like you’re home in a sea of Taiwanese people.
And obviously I AM home. Sort of. Taipei was where I was born and raised; I’ve lived here for almost half of my life and most of my childhood memories has a basis in Taiwan. But I know that even though I might have similar physical features and speak the same language as the people that are around me, I am vastly different from the average young Taiwanese adult. We do not share the same schooling experiences, way of thinking, or style of life. I felt out of place. I am home but not. It’s home but it’s foreign. I am foreign.
I have been in Taiwan for 2 weeks now. Even though I made the decision to come back rashly, I am really hoping this trip would be more than just pleasure and will help me feel reintegrated.