Un Duex Trois

It’s been a week and two days since I’ve started my trip and there’s been a lot of firsts and discoveries.

This was the first time I’ve ever travelled for work with a company and taken a show across the country (okay I’ve done Fringe in Victoria and the ships but those don’t count). This was different because I worked with the same 3 people for 2 weeks in Vancouver first, had 3 shows at the Dance Centre, packed all the props in 4 suitcases, flew with the lot to Montreal, loaded in our props and toys at the Montreal Arts Interculturels, set-up and did another 2 shows. The theatre in Montreal had set us up in an apartment that was two blocks away and we each had our own suite! I even had a balcony with a 11th floor view. Needless to say I was ecstatic to be working and touring in a city that I’ve never visited. Because we only had 2 shows, I had a lot of time to play tourist.

Montreal is also the furthest east I’ve been in Canada now. Before that was Regina, Saskatchewan, for a regatta. (I used to be a competitive kayaker!) This was the first time I’ve been in a part of Canada where French is the primary language instead of English. It was fun trying and pretending that I could speak the language and communicate with the locals while ordering or buying stuff. I was able to learn the numbers and count to ten in French!

After 2 days in Montreal our lighting designer and my good friend Mark also made his way over. So this was another first: travelling and working with a pal! Mark has easily become one of my close friends in Vancouver since we started working together at SFU and the Dance Centre. We hang out quite a bit outside of work and has always talked about doing more trips together. We’ve had an adventure exploring Montreal on foot, walking almost everywhere and anywhere we wanted to go.

There was one night where we visited FIVE establishments in 6 hours. We had dinner at the famous smoked meat sandwich shop Schwartz’s, then went scouring for more meat -specifically Portugese Grilled chicken- and had a 2nd dinner. Then we met up with the artistic director of the dance company for a drink at Casa del Popolo. After the drink we followed my friend’s list of suggestions and made a stop at Le Cagibi, where we caught a small concert in a space behind their coffee bar. We weren’t quite done for the night so we decided to take the metro to the Village and stopped in at Cabaret Mado where 11 (or more?) drag queens took to the stage!

Another night we tried to go to an after-hours club to get some dance moves in, but the line-ups was long and only moved 3 feet in half an hour! The funnest thing we did that night though, was the 3am bike ride to the club. Mark and I decided to give the city rental bikes a try and we were both really excited from start to finish. There was just something about seeing something all over the city and finally trying it out for ourselves!

After Montreal we visited Ottawa, where Mark’s university roommate Micah and his wife now live. This was the first time I’ve seen and visited the nation’s capital; the first time I’ve been to the Parliament buildings and toured the House of Commons, House of Senates, the Supreme Court of Canada, and lots of government-related buildings. It was very educational, informative and impressive!

During the last week and day, I was able to meet up with four of my friends who I had all met in Vancouver and now resides in different cities. That was another first: seeing friends I made at home in different cities!

Now I’m on the train ride from Ottawa to Toronto – first time I’ve ever ridden the train in Canada! But I’m tired and ready to go home… exploring city after city has tired me out! Strange, though, because I’ve always loved travelling and can’t fathom why now a trip that’s 10 days longs is exhausting for me. Perhaps I just can’t wait to get to my other destination when I get home – Tofino, I’m ready!

Ghost

I’m lost in my sea of thoughts tonight. Have you ever felt like not going home alone to an empty place but at the same time feeling like you couldn’t be bothered to be with anyone? Yeah, that dilemma. Maybe just someone to sit in silence with me? Or like a couple spending time reading together (not the same book but the same quiet activity). Just another being in the space can bring a totally different energy… I’m not quite sure what I want or need to achieve some sort of peace in my head tonight. I over-think and over-analyze everything: words, behaviours, action, reaction. Why did I make the choices I made? Why do I get stuck on the smallest things? Why is it so hard for me to move on? Why can’t I just get some sleep, brain?

How Come You Don’t Want Me

A Chinese proverb says “travelling ten thousand miles is better than reading ten thousand scrolls”, and I’m sure I will come back from my trips a different person.

But my excitement for my upcoming adventures is easily overwhelmed by general feelings of frustration, sadness and helplessness that surrounds my current situation with the ex. Of all things I’ve learned to deal with in my life, the one thing that keeps me up at night is the feeling of helplessness.

There is great satisfaction in helping people, and I am one of those people who enjoys lending a hand whenever possible. So when it’s out of my control or if the things other people need help with is bigger than him/her/myself, I’m at a loss at what to do. I try as much as I can, but sometimes it’s not enough. Sometimes it’s not about the result but the effort. Sometimes you need a support network to back up the help that’s already in place. Sometimes they’re not ready to receive the help that’s there for them. Sometimes they don’t even want to be helped. Then what do you do?

I care a lot about the people around me. And I wish all of the best things for them, first and foremost health and happiness. But when you’ve exhausted yourself and you can’t give any more, you have to recognize that you can’t help them! Like babies just starting to walk: they will never learn if they don’t take the first step. This, by far, is the most difficult process for me. I understand that I can’t be there for everyone in my life because I also need to take care of myself in the meantime. I need to let go; let them stand on their own two feet and figure their shit out. Letting go has been such a difficult piece of homework… always have been, actually. I need to keep learning.

I can’t say that I’m sorry
For getting so ahead of myself
I can’t say that I’m sorry
For loving you and hating myself

It’s killing me to walk away.

Ten Thousand Miles

It’s finally the beginning of October. I have been looking forward to this month for many reasons. One, I am performing – and wait for it – in a skirt with my trumpet on stage (in front of a live audience)!!! I have been fortunate enough to be given the opportunity to work with 3 other talented ladies on creating a project that was inspired by war stories, and I can’t wait for people to see it.

Two, I’m stage managing a dance show so my work is consistent for 3 weeks. It also means I can concentrate on getting one thing done really well, as opposed to multi-tasking and dividing my attention to work on multiple shows at the same time.

Three, I will be travelling with said dance show to Montreal for a week! I’ve never been east of Saskatchewan, so this will be a good opportunity to see other major Canadian cities such as Ottawa and Toronto (and with them some familiar faces).

Four, it means that Tofino is merely a month away! Yes, Tofino. I am going back for a longer stay this time – a soul-searching journey, if you will. Priorities are to write my next short film and find/ ground myself again.

Five, pumpkin carving, autumn leaves turning red and the fall! Need I say more? It’s the start of a beautiful season.

Wow, I think that trumps not having any days off until I leave for the east-ish Canada. Five whole reasons to be pumped about October!