I lied when I said, “I thought of you when I saw this [insert a video link]”.
The truth is, I think about you all the time. It was another way of me saying “I miss you”. But I’ve also started to believe that we are not going to become anything at all.
oh, just being bitter tonight…
on an unrelated note: Dana and Alice are fucking. hot.
(source: fuckyeahalicepieszecki)
Totally not feeling the holiday spirit this Christmas. It’s been a whole year since I’ve admitted to myself that I play on the same team (more or less), but last Christmas wasn’t as dreadful as this one. Maybe it’s that relatives are here visiting, and that I have to play the good hostess and accompany them as much as I can, which means not being able to be myself. It also means going to a lot of family friends’ gatherings where I have to play the good straight kid. It is tiring and especially draining on the emotional side (having to smile constantly and pretend that I’m happy).
It’s Christmas eve, and I’m home alone. I was tired from the short mall-strolling trip we (my family) took this afternoon. Funny enough, we ate at the food court about half an hour before the mall closed. I fell asleep on the bed just as they were heading out to a family friend’s to sing karaoke. So they went without me, and now I’m up. Maybe I had this all planned in my head without recognizing it consciously. I’m alone with my thoughts on the eve of Christmas… there are so many thoughts I want to jot down and turn into constructive posts, but the ‘cheerful holiday spirit’ that everyone’s expressing is bringing me down.
I have also come out to a Christian friend recently… which I’ve been putting off for ever because what I was afraid came true. We’re having an epic e-mail exchange where we respond to each other’s opinions and beliefs. It feels like it’s never-ending. And it feels like an inquisition into my ‘homosexual lifestyle’ (as she had phrased it). I know that coming out to Christian friends will likely result in disagreement with my choice of living in sin -aka leading a homosexual life. I know that there will be a lot of questions regarding my faith, and I know there will be a lot of judgment and not being able to understand the choices I’ve made (I’m not talking about misunderstanding. She’s simply unable to comprehend the idea that I’m gay and still believe in God). This discussion is tiring (geez, how many times have I used that word in this entry?). She’s not trying to persuade me to return to the ‘right’ path, but it sure feels like she’s pushing the religion I once knew down my throat so that I will hopefully have an epiphany and see what ‘mistake’ I’ve made. Even though I completely understand that she’s coming from all sorts of good intentions (as well as trying to understand my POV), I’m ready to close the case.
I wanted to spend my holidays with friends. Friends who are like my family and understand me for who I am. But some of them are away, some of them are spending it with their own family, and some of them are busy and overworked by the demanding Christmas shopping crowd. I can’t wait for it to be over so that there’s only the new year to look forward to. A new year, a new start, a new stage of my life (having finished my undergrad)! But for those of you who are cheery, have a wonderful Christmas, Hanukkah, winter solstice, or whatever it is you celebrate. If you’re not the celebratory kind, hope you’re basking in the warmth of the season and happy steering through the crowd this weekend!
Thursday was a double-bill day.
First movie I watched was Bound. It is a 1996 movie that tells the story of how Corky, a tough female ex con and her lover Violet, concoct a scheme to steal millions of stashed mob money and pin the blame on Violet’s crooked boyfriend Caeser. I’ve never heard of this film until Tucky Williams, an actress as well as the beauty and brains behind the webseries Girl/Girl Scene, said it was her favourite queer movie. Its high rating of 7.6 out of 10 and the black and white production stills on IMDB made it appealing for the generic plot it follows: (spoiler warning!) lovers decide to outsmart the mafia and does in the end [because love always prevails].
What makes this film stellar is its dark cinematography and the stellar on-screen lesbian couple, even though they’re seen together for less than one-third of the screen time. Jennifer Tilly, who plays the “innocent” Violet, can break any masculinity with her unique, nasally girlish voice. In comes the quirky, dark, and mysterious neighbour-next-door Corky, played by Gina Gershon, who (probably) brought sexy back to a butch character in all the right ways. The suspense throughout the latter half of the film, where our heroines are pulling a scheme, is brilliantly maintained.
I’ll have to say though, that I was expecting more “queer” stuff. Like what my instructor warned in our first class: what kind of expectation do we carry when we view a “queer film”? How queer do we expect it to be? And what makes the film a queer film? I suppose I expected those films to contain some sort of big epiphany/ realization, or the “heroing” of being queer (which may be expressed in coming out). I felt that Bound‘s queer aspect was merely a sexual device (to draw in more young, hot-blooded male audience members), and the film probably wouldn’t change if the queer couple was a straight one. But that doesn’t diminish the fact that I really enjoyed men’s asses getting kicked by a tough female character! We don’t see that enough in films!
There were six films that we watched and discussed in great detail this past semester in GSWS 431. All of them were made outside of North America and Europe -aka queer Asian films. I’ve decided to rank them in a list below from least-liked (6) to my favourite (1): (with links to their IMDB pages and their director’s)
6. Fire (1996, Deepa Mehta)
In my opinion, the film showcased “circumstance lesbianism”, therefore it didn’t feel ‘real’ or genuine.
5. Love of Siam (2007, Chukiat Sakveerakul)
A little too long… but cute Thai boys.
4. The Blossoming of Maximo Oliverios (2005, Auraeus Solito)
A surprisingly well-made movie from the Philippines about a little boy’s sexuality. Refreshing!
3. Farewell My Concubine (1993, Kaige Chen) 霸王别姬 (陳凱歌)
The political movements and changes towards the end of the film confused me a little. I couldn’t keep up with what’s what and why’s why.
2. Drifting Flowers (2008, Zero Chou) 飄浪青春 (周美玲)
My first reaction after watching this film: wtf’s with Taiwanese New Age Cinema making films that are non-linear?
1. I Don’t Want to Sleep Alone (2006, Tsai Ming Liang) 黑眼圈（蔡明亮）
By far the best and most excellently “illustrated” film of the six. By illustrated I mean art-sy. And by art-sy [fart-sy] I mean it’s aesthetically pleasing and beautiful yet challenging and complex.
I’ll do more explanation and expanding on each film when I’m in the mood. What I wrote yesterday didn’t save, so now I’m feeling lazy and frustrated.
I’m sitting here still, thinking about you and listening to the music you like and would listen to on any regular day. Come morning it’ll have been five days since I last saw you, and any time away from you is time spent missing you and wishing you were with me. This may be a little too much and clingy, I know, but I hope you take into account the loneliness and serenity of the night… and the fact that I’ve been longing for a companion for longer than you could count with your fingers and toes.
Saw another postcard quote art earlier tonight when I was cruising tumblr. This one said “Peter Pan asked me to go to Neverland with him, but I stayed behind because I wanted to grow old with you”. And I thought of you; of how I want to take care of you, shroud you with my cocoon of love and make you as happy as can be. Heavy Promises and Daring Declarations have joined our conversation. And I really hope you don’t mind!
*spoiler warning!*
Yesterday, after the last final exam ever of my undergraduate degree, I went to see Tomboy at the Vancity Theatres with some of my classmates from GSWS 431. Tomboy is a film made by French director Celine Sciamma (who directed Water Lilies in 2007) about a girl who pretends to be a boy when her family moves to a new town.
Zoé Heran as Laure-Mikael & Malonn Lévana as Jeanne
What I enjoyed the most about this film is the relationship of the sisters. The portrayal of the love between them is so endearing and cute that you can’t help but wish they were your children. Kids are also helpful to access any of the more ‘mysterious’ characters – those who don’t share their innermost thoughts with the audience. In this case it was Jeanne leading an inquisition into Laure’s intentions about pretending to be who she isn’t. They may not completely understand the intention (and consequences) behind having to pretend to be a different gender, but their grasp on gender is amazingly mature. Jeanne’s quick adaptability and acceptance for her sister’s ‘Mikael’ persona is delightfully comedic but genuine.
The second half of the film, however, felt like a complete change of pace. Of course, with a storyline like this, the parents (or those who the protagonists lied to) are bound to find out. And this is where the film turns generic and sour. I could think about a few options or alternatives to “outing” Laure the way her mom did (which, inevitably, resulted in bullying and teasing… and that is just hard to watch on screen). I was also surprised at how flat the mother character is. She seemed to be a loving parent, so I expected her to be more understanding of Laure’s big lie and aware of the consequences of her solution to Laure’s cover. She seems to be ignorant of how severely that will affect Laure’s life.
Anyway. The latter half of the film was unsatisfactory (maybe I expected it to be a ‘western queer film’ where the gays are exalted and an equality is achieved). But I really appreciated the portrayal of the sisterly love despite Laure’s secret. That sibling bond (that plays against the alliance of parents) is something I can connect with and wish will come in handy in my future, when I decide to come out of the closet.
Lisa (Jeanne Disson, left) thinks new kid Laure (Zoe Heran) is a boy named Mikael
I should be doing all sorts of things -homework, lab, assignments, paper research, film festival submissions, etc, but I’m on the net reading interesting stuff. I have one last class, one paper, one lab, one assignment, and one final exam left of my entire undergraduate studies. Exciting, but I can’t wait to get it over with. I don’t know how I’m going to manage this week. Time management will be crucial.
I scoffed a little when this came up on my website/tumblr tangent. Funny how it speaks to a previous post I wrote about gender norms.
Where's My Dime? 