Catch Flights, Not Feelings

（我到底要用中文述說，還是寫英文會比較貼切呢？沒想到連這個我也沒辦法決定！）

最近好多好多的感觸，好想全部同時捕捉起來、鎖緊在一個玻璃瓶內然後丟到大海裡去。說不定飄洋過海後，這一罐濃縮的情緒會神奇的消失掉。

但是其實並不是不想去處理這些感覺，而是沒有勇氣去掘發更深層的內在。除了發文，我不知道要怎麼去面對這些情緒。為什麼感情一向那麼複雜呢？感情再怎麼不想去面對也還是要面對、再怎麼不想去理睬也還是會浮現、再怎麼的不願管理或經營也終究會倒閉。（當然有時候很不幸的不管你再怎麼努力的付出一樣還是倒閉的情況···）

這幾天常常會想到妳，想到我們不久以前的視訊。每次都說好不再連絡了，可是還是會不知覺的想到妳。上次視訊後理會到「一見鍾情」的意思，讓我不知所措。我發現我能維持這兩年遠距離的關係原來是因為我每次看到妳的時候，在我心中屬於妳的那把火炬會重新開始燃燒！每次見面後心中又會充滿了愛，好比幫一個盆栽澆水、餵肥料。

我心知肚明一直會想到妳的理由當然不只是是我想念妳，而是因為最近開始跟另外一個人走得很近。我不知道我該如何去面對這些交錯的感情。對妳、對她、對我自己都要負責··· 是我想太多了嗎？是我太在乎要快點走出這個感情混亂的時刻嗎？我知道我的感覺沒有對或錯，只有想不想去實現。

LDR

These past nine days in Halifax has been unreal and overwhelming. That’s really the only two words that encompass and describe all that I’ve felt and am feeling. Unreal, because things actually happened. I hopped on a plane and flew 4000+kms to see someone I’ve only met once two months ago. After all the texts, sexts, messages, pictures and videos we’ve exchanged we were finally talking and seeing each other in person. I could touch her, feel her breath on my skin, kiss her, caress her, whisper in her ears and tell her how much I love her.

And all of that is overwhelming. I have not spent more than 10 days with her but I already love her. How do I know that for sure? How do I know what I’m feeling if I can’t even believe this is all happening? What are all these feelings that have suddenly surfaced? The last time I was in love was four years ago; how will I know what it’s like to be in love again? This whole time I was looking for answers for my own feelings. What am I feeling? What am I doing on the East Coast? What is it like to realize these feelings that we’ve confessed over text in person?

I felt numb. I didn’t know what to feel or what to do. Our time together has been so perfect it’s like a capsule of happiness. Perhaps that’s the magic of a long-distance relationship: you treasure every moment you have together because you know you’re never in the same place for long (at least for the near foreseeable future). You know you’re both returning to your own realities once the time is up; you’re back in your own world, with each other only skimming the surface of your bubble of your everyday life.

But what I realized as the plane took off from the tarmac in Halifax was that amidst the overwhelming sense of surreality, I did fall in love. The whole experience was unconventional and dumbfounding, but it was love. And that’s the only thing that matters.

Three Stooges

Nostalgia is

being reminded of why I liked you many moons ago

when we finally had the chance to go out dancing together

you are simply mesmerizing

 

Nostalgia is

getting emotional while listening to “In Our Bedroom After the War”

because it’s your favourite Stars song

even though I didn’t want a future with you

 

Nostalgia is

having a crush on a work acquaintance

but not the courage to ask her out

because I wasn’t sure if I had room in my heart

adulthood is lonely

What are the benefits of being in a relationship? Why do people partner up and get themselves tangled in that messy messy web of relationships? Why put themselves through the trouble of negotiating compromise and the risk of getting hurt?

For me, it’s the fact that I get to share my life and my journey with someone else in this bizarre, cruel, and unfair world. I am saddest when I have no one with whom I can share many of life’s awesome moments. The greatest joy known to me is to be able to share my happiness so that others can be happy, too. Perhaps coming home to someone, snuggling at night in bed, and waking up in the morning to the face of your loved one sleeping is enough. Or the fact that knowing someone cares about what you’re doing in your life is sufficient to justify having a partner. But ultimately, it’s all about the sharing. (Also why our lives have been taken over by a storm called social media: being able to share digitally to a bigger audience and getting praised for that ‘shareability’.)

When a relationship ends, you are faced with the stark loneliness of spending nights by yourself. There’s no one to hear your woes or struggles at the end of the day; there’s no one to whom you could tell that funny thing that happened at work, and there’s definitely no one with whom you could unwind slowly. You are you. Alone with your thoughts and by yourself in your apartment. No one to help you sort out that work-life balance, no one to tell you what to do; no one to dictate how best to spend your time, and certainly no one to help you cook dinner or wash the dishes at home… but at the same time no one will draw your attention away from that TV show you’re desperate to finish.

I’ve always been a kid who didn’t want to grow up. I never had big aspirations or realizations of “when I grow up, I’m going to be…” when I was little. However, now that I’ve aged past a quarter-century, I proudly tell people that I am secretly 5 at heart. And it’s not far from the truth. My bestie says she always feels like a kid when she’s around me (I also think that’s the best kind of superpower to have). I am the silliest and always come up with the most intriguing (read: bizarre) ideas in a group of friends. But I love it. I embrace every single minute and every single moment that I get to be a kid without consequence.

It’s just the times when you have to be a grown-up that suck. When you have to do your taxes, pay the bills, deal with your emotions that are all too real, or simply navigate through the dark trenches of the world filled with traps, you have to put on a brave face, pretend everything’s under control, and pray to God (or whatever spirituality you believe in) that you don’t make mistakes. All but fun and games. THAT’s when being in a relationship can be the most beneficial – because if you fall, the hope is your partner will help you get back up. Or, if they don’t know how to help, they’ll at least tread the waters and keep you company in your pool of deep shit.

You’ll Never Know

After a week of trying to hold it together and make it seem like it’s not a big deal, I finally broke down and cried for the last three days. Good thing this week was a flex week because the tears didn’t stop and I couldn’t get any work done. I had to take a break every 10 minutes just to try to calm myself down and get my eyes dry enough to see what I was doing. I’d lost my appetite, too. Most of the times I’d be on the phone with friends, one after the other, talking and crying it out. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that my emotions were this out of control in my life. My eyes were dry at my dad’s funeral, and when my first ex and I split I felt more helpless and hopeless than sad or angry.

Yesterday was an especially hard day to cope. If I heard myself saying the things I was saying over the phone to my friends, I’d give myself a hard slap across the face. I was such a baby!!! I should give myself more credit and know that I am stronger than I think I am. Not being able to stop crying is okay, and not being okay yesterday only makes today easier to cope. My cheeks may be tender and my eyes may be puffy but I am at least able to work without breaking down.

The hardest thing for me to get over is the fact that she went cold turkey. That’s the part I don’t understand and get most upset about. We clearly still love each other and care about each other, so why cut off contact altogether? Why can’t there be a less difficult way to part as lovers? Why put ourselves through the pain of not only losing a romantic partner but also a friend? Why tarnish such a lovely relationship with a bad break-up? Why why why why why! I kept asking my friends for answers they don’t have. Letting go is already a difficult enough homework that I have yet to learn; it doesn’t need to be further complicated by a cold shoulder…

I kept wondering how I’d behave or act if I run into her on the street. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to say hi or give her the respect she failed to show me when our relationship ended. I wonder if I’ll bolt away as fast as I can, or if I’ll pretend I didn’t see her at all and not acknowledge her like any other stranger I pass on the street. I also wonder if we’ll be friends in the future… Guess I’ll never know.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

Things have progressively gotten worse this week. I am either angry or sad ALL THE TIME. Like, non-stop. I can’t stop the tears from welling up, and I am having a really hard time resisting the urge to throw my phone against a wall. Night time seems to be the hardest time to cope with these overwhelming emotions. I was telling my best friend who is going through a break-up of her own (funny that her bf broke up with her the same week… worse coincidence ever? I think so) that this is worse than a relative dying – because when a person is dead, you know they can’t talk to you. But when a person is choosing to not talk to you? It’s like when your parents are punishing you by giving you a cold shoulder or the silent treatment. Frustrating. Extremely frustrating.

The bestie says I need to take the high road and be mature; not do anything irrational or impulsive. But why? Why do I have to be the better person? I’ve always done what’s “right” and “better” but what have I gotten from it? Why can’t I be selfish like the way my now ex is and make a decision without thinking clearly about the consequences? Why can’t I just do what I want without giving shit about the other person? Who cares if the other person is down in the dumps if it makes me feel better? I really need to go smash something up. Throw dishes against a concrete wall, punches at a punching bag or pillow, or maybe scream at the top of my lungs until I lose my voice. I was so sure I was done, but my tears have not stopped flowing and my cheeks are tender from those savoury streaks drying in the air.

Why do break-ups have to be this hard? Why can’t we make it easier for ourselves? There must be a way where both of us can cope more easily without having cut off contact with each other (or have it reduced to sending irrational texts back and forth, which definitely makes matters worse).

Wet Eyes and Dry Tears

Yesterday my girlfriend of a short 3 months broke up with me in an e-mail. She said she does not want to work on our relationship any more. This all came after I pointed out some incompatibility issues that were concerning me and affecting my feelings. Of course it took me by surprise. I didn’t know that she would give up what we had so easily, and I believed that she was a better person than that person who breaks up with people over technology. No one deserves to be dumped in such a disrespectful manner. The least I deserve is the decency of her announcing the end of our pairing to my face – just so it’s a bit more real and hurtful – so I know that it really is the end.

There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to tell her that despite what I think is incompatible, there are so many things that work in our relationship, and so many things we can look forward to in the next few months. I want to tell her that my feelings for her have not changed in the long run. I may be grumpy or upset some days, but they’re inconsequential to my overall happiness. I want to tell her that I still love her and want to be together.

On the other hand, I want to tell her that it is not fair to break up with someone in an e-mail. I want to tell her that I am angry that she did not give me the respect I deserved by dishing out the fate of our relationship on a plate and forcing it down my throat. It is not cool to shut me out because you’re angry and hurt. It leaves much to be desired.

Granted, we’ve only known each other for a short period of time, but the connection and feelings were serious, real, and genuine. I’m sad that honesty can destroy the best of things. This is one thing for which I did not account for pouring my heart out. The one thing you hope for is when you’re the most vulnerable, the people who love you will be there to take care of you; not step all over and make you hurt more.

I felt like a zombie all day yesterday; like a glob of sadness and soullessness wandering aimlessly. Today was no better… I am in serious denial that this is happening…