Catch Flights, Not Feelings

（我到底要用中文述說，還是寫英文會比較貼切呢？沒想到連這個我也沒辦法決定！）

最近好多好多的感觸，好想全部同時捕捉起來、鎖緊在一個玻璃瓶內然後丟到大海裡去。說不定飄洋過海後，這一罐濃縮的情緒會神奇的消失掉。

但是其實並不是不想去處理這些感覺，而是沒有勇氣去掘發更深層的內在。除了發文，我不知道要怎麼去面對這些情緒。為什麼感情一向那麼複雜呢？感情再怎麼不想去面對也還是要面對、再怎麼不想去理睬也還是會浮現、再怎麼的不願管理或經營也終究會倒閉。（當然有時候很不幸的不管你再怎麼努力的付出一樣還是倒閉的情況···）

這幾天常常會想到妳，想到我們不久以前的視訊。每次都說好不再連絡了，可是還是會不知覺的想到妳。上次視訊後理會到「一見鍾情」的意思，讓我不知所措。我發現我能維持這兩年遠距離的關係原來是因為我每次看到妳的時候，在我心中屬於妳的那把火炬會重新開始燃燒！每次見面後心中又會充滿了愛，好比幫一個盆栽澆水、餵肥料。

我心知肚明一直會想到妳的理由當然不只是是我想念妳，而是因為最近開始跟另外一個人走得很近。我不知道我該如何去面對這些交錯的感情。對妳、對她、對我自己都要負責··· 是我想太多了嗎？是我太在乎要快點走出這個感情混亂的時刻嗎？我知道我的感覺沒有對或錯，只有想不想去實現。

shooting stars

Wish you were here – that was the thought that had started it all. That night when the five of us huddled close together for warmth on a 3’wide dock under a blanket of magical starscapes and looked for shooting stars on the last night of our camping trip, you were the one I was thinking about; the one I wanted to spend more time with; the one I couldn’t get out of my head.

I’ve never wished upon a shooting star. They go by too fast for me to even start a thought, let alone finish one. My mind was filled with thoughts of you as I listened to the conversation and the quiet chirping of the birds in the grass just a few feet away from us. Serenity overwhelmed the lake and my senses. For once I have no work, no unfinished business or errands I should be running during my free time, or people to be responsible for and things to take care of. Time, it seemed like, was on my side for the first time in my life. I was all by myself, and I was whole. I was alone but I wasn’t lonely. Friends surrounded me and reminded me how lucky I am to be living a life I can call mine.

I kept replaying the hours-long exchange we had nights before, not exactly sure what to make of it. My feelings for you took me by surprise and it was driving me crazy – you were driving me crazy.

The starry sky was nothing short of ethereal, and so was the thought that we’d be together in the not-so-distant future. I hope the shooting stars heard my wishes.

 

Fourth St Docks

Someone asked me what was at the docks. Memories, I said. Memories of that night back in September; memories of perhaps one of the most romantic nights I’ve experienced. Memories of her soft lips suddenly touching mine and how we held each other in the cold night.

But it wasn’t until I was actually at the docks for me to realize what was really there: my heart!

I sat on the deck of a float house that’s now parked next to the dock where she stole my heart and look out at the calm waters. I am not sure what I should do. I came here hoping that I’d find a way for her to hold on to my heart and keep it safe. But now I’m not sure. I’m not sure what I’m feeling and I’m not sure if I can sort it out before I run out of time.

Looking at the ocean and the full moon in front of me makes me want to share this amazing view with her, but I am still confused.