FOUR YEARS!!!

HOLY SHIT GUYS, I’ve kept this blog for 4 years now!  WHAT!

At first it started out as a school project for my Women’s Studies class to talk about queer cinema. But now it has evolved into a queer-content dedicated blog (which is basically my life – because I am queer, therefore all parts of my life are queer). But man oh man, I did not realize that it has been that long since I started blogging here instead of my old blog (I still write there some times though). And to think – when I started writing here I wasn’t out to my family! Strange how things can happen in such a short amount of time.

All in all, I’ve been blogging since 2006: from Xanga to MSN space, then finally moving to and calling wordpress home for the last 7 years! Incredible, isn’t it? I am rather proud of myself right now.

Perspective

I was finally able to take a week off from work at the beginning of September for some much-needed vacation time. I had been working non-stop since March with only about a handful of days off each month, and I was burning out constantly. There were days where I’d be one, two hours late to work. Days where I slept through my alarm because I wasn’t getting enough sleep and I wasn’t taking the best care of myself. There were days when I wanted to write so much but didn’t have time to. There were mornings where sleeping in for 30 minutes to an hour could have made all the difference, and there were times where showers would have been appreciated.

Needless to say, I was more than ecstatic about my vacation. I was set on going to Tofino right from the start. It was a close-enough destination from Vancouver, and a week sounded about the right amount of time to be there. I’ve lived in the Lower Mainland for 16 years and had not been to the west-coast of the island: it was time. Friends also raved about the place; naturally I had to see it for myself!

My family and some family friends decided to join me at the last minute in Ucluelet for the September long weekend. I scrambled to find a camping spot -booking anything last-minute for the last long weekend before school started was a challenge, to say the least- but I managed to secure the Ucluelet Campground for two nights. Our destinations were spontaneous. There were tons of beaches to visit and activities to check out, but their time on the island was so short that I let them decide what they want to do.

It started pouring just as we pulled into our spot at the campground. It made for a very wet and cold first night. We were soaked just setting up the tents and tarps, and our wet clothes stayed wet even when we packed up camp. But we did get a morning’s surf in. Tofino waves were a lot harder to navigate the the mild, warm, and calm Hawaii waters. It was quite fun nevertheless, and I think I am going to give it another shot if i do go back.

The family rushed back on Monday because they’re people with real 9-5 jobs that start the next day (luckily for me I’m not), so I caught a bus to Tofino and stayed at a place called the Tofino Travellers Guesthouse. Let me rave a little about this guesthouse: it’s by far the best place I’ve stayed at, ever. It felt more like home than home for me because I didn’t have to hide who I am. I get to be myself and behave without feeling like I am being judged. Most of the people staying there is travelling by themselves, and everyone is super friendly and welcoming! It was like having the big family I never knew I missed. The waffle breakfast, of course, adds bonus points!

I spent a day by myself, biking to nearby beaches in Tofino and seeing the town. I stopped to have lunch at Tacofino (obviously), and checked out their brewery. My last full day in town was spent at Hot Springs Cove. The boat ride was fun, and the trip was nice. But I probably wouldn’t do it again for the amount of dough I dropped.

Now, let me try to illustrate how this trip was such a positive experience. I went to Tofino with the expectation that it’ll look like most small costal BC towns -and it does-, but it had a much different energy/ vibe. Perhaps it has something to do with being a surf destination, so most people who are there are there for the waves. I can’t quite exactly pin-point my intrigue with Tofino, and I’m surprised that I love the place as much as my friends said I would.

On the morning before I flew home, I went down by the water to clear my head and soak in some Vitamin D. It was there that my brain wandered to the deep dark side of “searching for one’s purpose in life”. Sitting on the dock and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life gave me a real kick in the arse.  Why do I want to make films? What are the stories I want to tell? Why am I telling these stories? What do I want to say with these films I want to make? Does my voice really matter?  Do I really want to keep doing this for the rest of my life? What AM I doing with my life? I was dumbfounded and caught by surprise at what I had asked myself. They are important but scary questions. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. It was definitely a much-needed perspective though; because I was able to leave my responsibilities behind for a few days.

Coming home was hard. I was sad and reluctant to go. There could have been so many new possible adventures had I stayed! I’d have time to think and write! I can’t stay in this rut of work forever…

I believe the experience at the guesthouse made my overall Tofino experience that much more memorable. If I didn’t stay there I probably wouldn’t have had as much fun as I did. I most certainly wouldn’t have made any friends if I stayed elsewhere. And if I ever go back for another visit, the guesthouse is where you’ll find me! The owner of the house was right; I definitely left a piece of my heart back in Tofino.

Itchy Feet

Who wants to go dancing!? I’m always looking for people to go dancing with… I love it and I miss it! Can’t wait to get back on the floor again and stir up a storm! I was listening to some beats today and realized that there are a handful of songs written about dancing that I’m quite fond of. So here’s a list, in no particular order:

1. Dancing On My Own – Robyn

2. Take Me On the Floor – The Veronicas 

3. I Wanna Dance With Somebody – Whitney Houston

4. Shut Up and Dance – Walk the Moon

5. Twist and Shout – The Beatles

6. Shake It Off – Taylor Swift

7.  一個人跳舞 – 張惠妹

8. Dance With Me – Uh Huh Her

I left

It was around this time last year that I finally decided to put my foot down and leave. I left my spouse of a year and a half, our marriage, and the happiness we once had. I left.

There were red flags all along the way, but I finally realized that things weren’t going to get better. I remember very vividly the day my ex-wife said to me during an argument we were having in the bedroom that she can’t be helped. There’s been too many years of trauma in her life that she didn’t think anyone or thing could help her, and that’s that. She had decided that she wasn’t going to get help because she didn’t think it was even worth a shot to try get a piece of her sanity back. I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed and looked at her disappointedly.

My heart sank. It was the final pull for me to painfully remove myself from her life, however slow the process was going to be. I can’t help anyone if they don’t want to be helped. If I tried I’d be wasting my breath, time, and energy. So I gave up. Or at least I tried to stop helping her. I still do, in one way or another, because I am still legally bound to her and in court she’s still my responsibility – but now, after a year, I’m done playing the good ex-wife. It’s time to really call it quits; I just need to remind myself why I left.

Whirlwind of a Summer

Every time someone asks me “How are you?” or “How have you been?”, my reply is always, “Busy.”

Why am I so busy? And just what the hell am I busy with? Work. I am constantly swamped with work. There’s two types of work that I do: a salaried job with different AV companies/ theatres in town, or a contract position either stage managing or teching a specific show. And more often than not, I am doing both types of work at the same time.

The shift work is the practical part of my life; it provides a consistent income whereas the contract jobs are more fun, creative and nourishing for the soul (but often doesn’t pay as much as it should).

This past summer I worked the FIFA Women’s World Cup games at BC Place throughout June, then went on straight to work as site crew for Vancouver Folk Music Festival for the first time. Both were a lot of fun. Who doesn’t like live sports and music? During all that time I was also chipping away at transcoding films into DCPs for the Vancouver Queer Film Festival that was happening mid-to-late August. During the film festival I was also working as a projectionist at one of their venues, so it felt like double-duty. But I had a blast. It’s a festival that I hold very close to my heart because it was the festival that launched my film into the international festival circuit and spotlight!

After all that fun contract stuff, I babysat a show for a week at one of the theatres I work at, and things slowed down from there… I managed to get away for a week for some much needed time off. I was able to get out of the city and actually have some time to myself to think, breathe and relax!

But now that I’m back I need to focus on the next project: Wait For Me, Daddy Redux, a co-production between Brief Encounters and the Anvil Centre in New West. I am collaborating with 2 other artists and 1 storyteller in creating a short 5 minute film and a 10-minute stage production, with two performances on Oct 3rd! After that I go right into stage managing a dance show that tours Montreal! Woo-hoo! Travelling + work = fun! Can’t wait!